It’s still October, and posts are free. This one is free almost entirely. I’ve included a little travel story from my hiking adventure in the mountains around Melnik, Bulgaria, and pictures from this striking region below the paywall for my paid subscribers.

~~~~~

Before you say, “Yes, Captain Obvious,” look at your life for examples of challenges you’ve been trying to solve in your relationships for a long time without success. We all have them, and this is why.

As the saying goes: “Your energy flows where your attention goes.” So clearly, you need to be precise and judicious about where you place your attention if you don’t want to waste your energy. When it comes to relationship conflicts and challenges, we often focus on the wrong thing, so we naturally waste our energy and never get the results we want.

(I will be talking about couples here, but I want you to understand that these same mechanics apply 100% to you personally and all your unsolvables, even if you’re single and what you are struggling with has nothing to do with another person.)

Imagine a couple that fights over the same thing over and over. Let’s call them Don and Dawn. Don wakes up at dawn every day, turns all the lights on, turns on the news, and goes about getting ready for his day. Meanwhile, Dawn still has two more hours before she needs to get up. For the life of her, she doesn’t understand why Don wakes Dawn up at dawn. They’ve had a thousand conversations about it. The hair on the back of her neck stands up as soon as his alarm goes off. She literally wants to kill him every morning.

No matter how many times she tells him to be considerate and quiet, and no matter how many times he’s promised to be so, it only takes a few days before it’s back to the same routine. He tells her to cover up, use earplugs, and not pay any attention to him if she wants to sleep in. He says his routine helps him get going and wakes his brain up. He also tells her that if she gets up with him, they can spend a little more time together in the morning, so why waste it in bed while complaining that they don’t see each other much?

She even tried to sleep on the couch to avoid his morning bedroom noise, but it didn’t help her back, and did not help her avoid The News Hour on TV. Meanwhile, all other serious arguments somehow end up in a discussion about their ongoing morning contention.

One way they explain the situation is: “We fight because we want different things.” It is a true but shallow explanation that feels like understanding the problem. As with all surface-level, low-hanging fruit explanations, the investigation ends. Most people, in most situations, stop at the first thing they can tell themselves about a difficulty they struggle with. And most of the time, they focus on a familiar problem rather than the real problem.

Unfortunately, for Don and Dawn, this level of explanation raises the question of who will get their way. There will be one winner and one loser, and clearly they are not prepared to end it at that. So, they continue the power struggle. The resentments grow. They’ve locked themselves into a two-losers situation.

They focus on minimizing friction between them, managing morning routines, avoiding each other, and avoiding another fight before 8 am.

In relationships, the bias is to A) assume the other person sees and feels things the way we do, and B) assume the only way to fix a situation is to keep working on ourselves. A) means that if you like jalapeño ice cream, surely the other person feels the same about jalapeño ice cream. B) means that you want to attribute all relationship problems to your shortcomings and accept full responsibility for fixing everything all the time. You can like jalapeño ice cream and still have things to work on yourself, but that’s not the whole story, and it’s definitely not the only story.

Basically, these two assumptions are limiting your perception and options. Most importantly, they can leave you feeling absolutely stuck.

How does this show up in life and relationship dynamics

Living with a narcissistic person:
You work on your communication for years while the real problem is someone else’s missing empathy. Better words can’t fix what no one is there to hear.

The marriage with perpetual imbalance:
She spends years “working on the marriage” when the real problem could be that her partner is never going to meet her effort.

Waiting for an apology:
You think you need closure and will get it if you only, finally, get an apology. The real problem might be that you’ve outsourced your healing to someone else’s mouth.

The “betraying” friend:
You feel betrayed and keep reaching out to try to fix it. The real problem might be that the other person, or both of you, have drifted apart but still assume that loyalty is expected. Did the friendship change? Did you, did they?

The person who feels behind:
They think they wasted years and made mistakes. The real problem might be that they won’t name what they actually want now. You can’t fix the past. You can only stop using it as an excuse for not making the right decisions now to gain ground.

From working with people, I’ve seen how much effort they put into what they want to say vs. what they actually want to get. They rehearse conversations in their minds before they even consider what they actually want. The problem with that is that your partner may hear you but still not know what you really want, and no matter how many adjustments they make, even if they follow your words to a T, you will still feel unsatisfied and triggered. The fights will still happen. The other person will get defensive.

When people keep fighting over the same things, they turn the thing into a parking space for their resentment. The original complaint may be perfectly legitimate. Dawn wants to sleep without being woken up by lights and the news. That doesn’t require digging into her psyche. Don could turn on fewer lights and use headphones.

But after a thousand conversations and a thousand broken promises, the lights carry more than light. To Dawn, they’ve become another reminder that Don gets to decide what’s reasonable, and she gets to adjust. Every morning, she wakes up to the same message: what she needs matters less than what he wants.

Don, meanwhile, keeps bringing up how little time they spend together. Is he asking for company? Does he resent her working late? Does he think getting up early is somehow better than sleeping later? They haven’t explored any of that. He tells her to get up. She tells him to be quiet. They get nowhere.

They’ve never asked each other anything deeper about the situation. The morning routine needs fixing. So does whatever keeps turning a practical request into a contest over whose way of living should count.

They can do specific things to figure out what they are really fighting about so they have a chance to solve it.

How to solve the fight

Pay attention to what triggers you. Eventually, you will notice that similar things trigger you similarly. But you need to pay attention to yourself and catch it in the moment. If you wait to think about it later, all you will remember is that you felt upset. You need to remember the specific triggers: words, actions, situations, tone, etc. Just the facts.

Notice what you tell yourself about the situation. You will make some meaning out of it. The meaning will be the surface-level explanation, something familiar, your habitual way of explaining things to yourself.

Notice what you did next. Based on what you told yourself about the situation, you acted in some way. You likely have a well-established chain of reactions, so this might be what you always do in these situations.

Observe yourself for a few days or weeks, so you have a well-documented dataset. No excuses. No explanations. Just facts, your interpretation of the facts, and your actions as a result of your interpretations.

Look for alternative explanations. Ask yourself if there is another way to interpret the facts you experienced. What could be other perspectives? Whenever something happens, or someone does something, and you react, you’re also making assumptions about why it is happening to you. Is your anxiety a psychological problem or a medical problem, or a side effect of a medication? Is your partner careless or overworked, overwhelmed? Is your co-worker constantly late because she’s lazy and doesn’t care, or is a single mom having to take three kids to three different schools every morning and can’t afford a car so she has to take the bus?

Other possible explanations could untether you from your entrenched, habitual patterns of interpretation and reaction.

Study the bright spots. Occasionally, things go better than usual and sometimes even better than expected. What happened this time that didn’t happen the other 100 times before? What made it different? These exceptions are good clues for you to ponder.

Going back to Don and Dawn at dawn. Suppose they pay attention for a week.

Don notices that he gets especially irritated on mornings after they’ve barely seen each other the night before. He tells himself she always has time for everything except him. Then he turns her sleeping into evidence that she doesn’t care. When he finally asks whether she misses spending time together, he discovers that she does. Being dragged out of bed two hours early just isn’t her preferred way of doing it or the preferred hour.

Dawn notices that she’s already preparing her argument before his alarm goes off. She expects another broken promise. When he tells her to use earplugs, she hears, “Your problem. You deal with it.” She explains that meaning to him, but she also needs uninterrupted sleep so she can function.

Now they have two problems they can actually work on. They need time together that works for both of them. And Don needs to stop waking Dawn up. So, how about she agrees on a couple of evenings together? He agrees to get ready with a small light and listen to the news through headphones. Then they see what happens.

Understanding what’s underneath the fight gives them a better place to start. What they do next tells them whether they’re getting anywhere. The important discovery may be that a new arrangement works, or that understanding each other hasn’t made them willing to change.

Below, for paid subscribers: my hike in the mountains around Melnik, and a bit of Bulgarian lore and photos. Paid subscribers also get the voiceover of every post and all Perks free.
How about 20% off to save you some money??? Only a week left.

Read more

Last week’s post was about “adulting,” which isn't what most people think it is.
Tell me what interests you. Check some boxes on THIS form (1 min).

An interesting, increasingly common theme has been emerging in the last few years - the theme of women initiating divorce that rarely has anything to do with infidelity (the main reason for divorces in the past). So, what’s making middle-aged women walk out on their husbands and long-term relationships?

I’ve listened to female clients telling me how night after night they hold space for their partners to vent about their day, work, and whatever is on their minds, but almost never get asked about theirs. When they do and end up sharing, they feel patronized, their concerns dismissed or minimized, or the conversation quickly pivots back to what their partner wants to talk about.

I hear about their boring sex lives, and how they feel obligated to deliver on demand while also being asked to lose weight, dress better, do a better job with the kids and the household. In other words, be everything, do everything, and be a sex goddess. They don’t understand how their men expect sexual enthusiasm while treating them this way outside the bedroom.

They share about postponed dreams that increasingly look like will never happen because they can’t seem to fit them into their lives as they are. They talk about resentment over helping their men advance professionally while having to curb their own ambitions. Some husbands apparently object to not being the main breadwinner or their wives holding higher-status jobs. Sadly, one of the ways they compensate for their perceived inadequacy is through bullying and emotional abuse.

Society stereotypes middle-aged women as “older” (read “undesirable”) and moody, and attributes our changing attitudes towards our partners to the handywork of off-balance hormones in menopause. As if to say that women can’t know their own minds without estrogen and are foolish to leave at this age because who’s going to like them after.

The truth is that many women feel more empowered than ever to be who they are, and sometimes their guys and relationships get in the way. Before you judge, consider the following.

Men usually say they feel fine in a marriage. Their wives take care of the kids. The house is clean. They get home-cooked meals. Their clothes may even be laid out for them in the morning. They benefit from their wives’ emotional support. They feel accomplished because they can focus on their careers and show off their nice families.

But many women find the arrangement burdensome and unfair. Some succeed in dragging their husbands to couples therapy to try to fix things. Others seek support from other women in their shoes, other family members, and friends. Ultimately, they feel that they are also responsible for fixing the marital problems on their own. Finding no success, they start contemplating divorce, and when they finally bring it up, the husbands usually say that they are surprised.

My take is that men are surprised at their wives’ divorce declarations because, after a while of trying to improve the marriage, women often stop even asking for what they need. They get tired of being ignored, not prioritized, and talking to a wall. They stop initiating relationship discussions because they lose faith that they’ll make a difference.

They withdraw. From their partner’s perspective, there is no conflict, so everything must be fine.

Previously limited by financial constraints, women had to be what was expected of them or be destitute, struggle, and suffer in a man’s world. Now, many are more educated than their men and earn more. The incentive to follow in their mothers’ footsteps has lessened, and many were raised by their mothers to avoid that fate. They favor independence and self-sufficiency over putting up with what their mothers did.

So, from the women’s perspective, especially women with grown kids, single life sounds so much better. No dirty socks to pick up. No need to be someone’s resident therapist, stroke their ego, coax them through the to-do list, and watch them sit on the couch drinking a beer while yelling at the TV. Single also means she can enjoy hobbies and pursue her interests instead of managing her partner’s schedule and emotions.

It means less friction and less stress.

Women are more socially connected, so a night out with the girlfriends at some point seems a lot more appealing than date night with the husband with a built-in expectation of boring sex. She can wake up when she wants to. She can spend all the time in the bathroom she needs to and will find the toilet seat down! She doesn’t have to rush home to make dinner. She doesn’t have to ask him if she can go out for the night. And she doesn’t have to split the holidays between her family and his.

The Walkaway Wives

Interestingly, many of these newly divorced women don’t talk about getting into another relationship for a while. When they do, they are really picky. They no longer want to be the only one doing the heavy cognitive lifting of managing conflicts, starting difficult conversations, anticipating relationship needs, and researching solutions. They are looking for a partner who shares the load, redefining compatibility in a whole new way.

Not every woman can leave a marriage or long-term relationship as soon as she wants. Some are stuck for various reasons, but that mental and emotional checking out, withdrawal, and eventually leaving is what we call “walkaway wives.” They stop investing emotional effort, communication, or energy while keeping the household and legal status intact until they find a way out.

By mid-life, a lot changes for a woman. Children need less daily care, making the couple’s relationship more visible and its issues more salient. There’s less time left ahead than behind, so there’s also a sense of urgency not to waste any in an unfulfilling, unhappy situation. They feel more able to support themselves.

But the most interesting change has to do with how she sees herself. She begins questioning an identity built around being accommodating, useful, or endlessly patient. So, she starts to question whether she can bear the cost of another 10 years with the same partner.

I am not saying that these husbands don’t necessarily love their wives. A husband may sincerely love his wife, value their history, and feel devastated by her departure. She may nevertheless experience the relationship as lonely, unequal, or unresponsive and leave because, no matter how much effort she’s put into changing that, the results of her efforts don’t warrant staying, from her perspective.

The Last Straw

There’s usually a “last straw” moment for the wife. It might be him getting home all flustered about something that happened at work and dumping all of that frustration on her when she has something personally important to share but gets no chance to do it. It could be that, in a time of need for her, health-wise or emotionally, he’s too busy or tells her, “You can do it!” encouraging her but also leaving her alone to deal with it. It could be that one last time she asks for something and is ignored. For every woman, the last straw is a different story.

It does not have to be a big event, and often, it is not. It is an ordinary moment, the last in a long chain of moments stretching years back. Its significance is that it changes her interpretation of the future, and she realizes she can’t expect change. It’s that moment that nails the relationship’s coffin shut.

These women realize that there is a price to pay for leaving, but that price is more acceptable to them than the cost of staying. The financial costs alone are substantial in research on divorce after 50. One U.S. longitudinal study estimated a 45% decline in women’s standard of living. Some find themselves in the peculiar situation of having to pay their husbands alimony and share financial assets because they earned more and owned the assets.

They leave anyway. To them, freedom is worth every penny.

Share this article with someone who can use it.

Share

This article is free as part of October’s open month. If it gave you something to chew on, consider going paid. You’ll get the voiceover version of every post, you can comment 😀, plus all Perks free, travel stories, the full Archive, and everything I come up with.

Read more

The Metro is a great place to people-watch. A few days ago, I watched a young adult male and his girlfriend in what must’ve been their normal interaction because they both seemed OK with how they treated each other. At least no one visibly protested. His voice - condescending, borderline bullying her. Her attitude - dismissive. She took a picture of them and must’ve posted it somewhere on social media. He grabbed her phone and berated her for it. She looked through him and said nothing. He deleted the picture and threw the phone back into her lap. She grabbed it and went back to staring at it, her long nails clicking away at the screen like he wasn’t even there.

At the next station, they approached the door. He put his arm around her and kissed her on the head. She wrapped her arm around his waist and kissed him back on the cheek. The door opened, and they spilled out, walking two feet apart like they had nothing to do with each other. He swaggered, looking over the crowd. She put her hands in her pockets, moving forward in her own world.

What I had just witnessed was a movement from disrespect to affection without any visible acknowledgment of what happened. To me, it screams emotional immaturity.

He might have had a legitimate objection to having his picture posted. We don’t know whether she posted it, whether he had previously asked her not to, or what the disagreement meant to them. But a legitimate privacy concern would not justify humiliation or grabbing her property.

He failed to handle their disagreement with respect for her personal autonomy. Belittling, intimidation, and controlling behavior are warning signs of emotional abuse. Although my glimpse cannot establish the overall pattern of their relationship, I am willing to bet this happens frequently between them. She had no reaction, as if she was tuning him out. It leads me to believe that she’s experienced this before and is quite used to it. Sadly.

In general, the behavior we tolerate is the behavior we allow, and therefore, we’ll have to keep living with it. As usual, the devil is in the details.

Perhaps she has resigned herself to his outbursts. Perhaps she’s avoiding escalation in a public setting and will address him later. Perhaps she feels emotionally overwhelmed. I will never know. But given how freely he acted, I am left suspecting that he’s experienced few meaningful consequences for his actions, if any.

The kisses might have expressed genuine affection, routine, reassurance, appeasement, or an attempt to reconnect. I cannot choose confidently which. But I can say with confidence that I did not witness an apology, not even an acknowledgment of bad behavior.

When we become affectionate again without addressing what happened, or simply become comfortable enough to stop addressing it, what do we think will happen to the affection over time?

For people in his shoes, how much affection reciprocity can they expect from a person they belittle, and for how long? Also, how does their view of the other person change over time because of the way they treat them?

For people in her shoes, how much affection do they want to give when they feel disrespected and mistreated? Why stick around?

So little information and yet so many questions. Relationships are messy. They get even worse when the adults in them never grew up.

“Growing up” is a process of acquiring and expanding our capacities. The first is recognizing that other people have autonomy and that we must negotiate our interests and theirs with dignity and respect. We learn to consider other people’s experiences and perspectives. When what we want and what they want leads to a conflict, we must learn to tolerate frustration and not always getting what we want, when we want it, as we want it.

We also need to learn to separate people’s actions fro

m their character. A good person can easily do something stupid or just something we don’t like. We must learn that we can dislike what they did without necessarily punishing them or lashing out. We have other options for handling that dislike, such as talking it over.

Growing up means you’ve learned to take responsibility for your actions instead of blaming the other person, deflecting, and making excuses. But perhaps the hardest capacity to acquire is the capacity to repair any harm we’ve done, even inadvertently. Apologizing and making amends go with the territory.

So why do some people reach adulthood without developing those capacities, and what keeps them from doing so?

Taking responsibility and repairing harm require tolerating an uncomfortable view of ourselves. So, for some, maintaining their self-perception matters more than how others feel, however short-sighted this might be. For example, an apology requires more than knowing what to say. It requires acknowledging that we did something we might prefer to think we’re incapable of doing.

So, to avoid feeling ashamed or uncomfortable, we double down on self-image and defend our actions, or ignore them altogether. Suddenly there’s context. You were tired. They were annoying. You’ve told them a hundred times. They know how you feel about having your picture posted. Surely, they bear some responsibility for your reaction?

This is where growing up gets uncomfortable. Can you have a legitimate complaint and still admit that you handled it badly?

This requires the capacity to hold two truths at the same time. You can feel hurt and behave badly at the same time. You can have a valid objection and raise it the wrong way. You may not have intended a specific outcome and still have to apologize for it and do the repair work afterward.

Basically, adults know how to be accountable even when uncomfortable. Children throw tantrums.

Interestingly, someone can be exceptionally capable in the rest of their life, pay the bills, raise children, manage the household, and do well at their job, and consider that adulting. Meanwhile, they can be immature in close relationships and wrongly assume that getting older will make them better.

Competence in one part of life doesn’t settle the question of how we handle ourselves in another.

To get a sense of your own maturity, consider what happens when someone disappoints you, disagrees with you, or tells you that you hurt them. A friend declines an invitation. A partner wants an evening alone. A colleague corrects an error or pushes back on your ideas. How do you feel and what do you do?

You are allowed to occasionally fail, as long as you otherwise act the adult part right. When you do stumble, do you revisit the incident, hear the other person, and change your behavior? That’s what adults do and how they learn from their mistakes. No one is perfect, and life surprises us in creative ways.

There is a cost to not even trying. Consider a relationship where one person repeatedly has to choose the right moment, soften the complaint, absorb the outburst, initiate reconciliation, and explain why something hurt. While they manage the other person’s reactions, what room remains for their own frustration and needs? If it sounds unfair, that’s just the beginning of it. Exhaustion and resentment appear sooner or later, as closeness and vulnerability fade.

This brings me back to the Metro. I don’t know what that young woman felt. But the scene raises a question about what being close to that guy might require of her. How much does she brush off? How much does she wish she could say? And does he ever stop to ask?

What would need to happen after that kiss for respect to accompany the affection?

He could start by acknowledging what he did without waiting for her to explain why it was hurtful. He could apologize without adding a “but you…” or expecting her to immediately warm up to him. They might have to discuss posting pictures.

She will need to decide whether his apology means much, especially if she’s heard it before. He has to convince her through his actions next.

I hope they talked after they left the train. Maybe they did. But I’d be more interested in what happens the next time she does something he doesn’t like. Can he be upset with her and still treat her with respect?

This applies to all of us. I know it’s easier said than done, and I struggle with it myself, especially when the stakes are high, or the person in front of me comes with a lot of context. But the effort is worth it, and it pays off in the form of better relationships and better connection.

Know someone in a relationship like the couple on the Metro? Forward this. It might start the conversation they can’t start themselves.

Share

You can find Scripts For Difficult Conversations in the Perks, which are included in your paid subscription and can also be purchased separately.

This article is free as part of October’s open month. If it gave you something to chew on, consider going paid. You’ll get the voiceover version of every post, plus all Perks free, travel stories, and everything I come up with.

🙏🙏🙏

Read more

Because even self-aware, insightful people hit walls.
Because it’s easy to fall into old patterns, especially in love, purpose, and identity.
Because emotional intelligence is a survival skill in this strange modern life.

Here's what Life Intelligence means in practice: most relationship advice tells you what to do. I care about something deeper — the patterns underneath. Why you keep choosing the same kind of partner. Why saying no feels like a betrayal. Why the family dynamics you swore you'd escape keep showing up in your own home. We look at narcissism, boundaries, self-abandonment, attachment, and all the ways we give ourselves away, and what to do about it.

You’ll learn how to:

• Navigate the foggy terrain of life transitions

• Make better decisions (without overthinking yourself into a coma)

• Communicate like an adult, finally

• Understand the psychology behind your stuck points and relationship challenges

• Recognize and avoid self-betrayal

• Rewrite the scripts in your head that keep you stuck

• Gain perspective on your situation (s)

• And a lot more.

I write with honesty from personal and professional experience. My writing is part philosophy and part psychology. Some of it’s funny. Some of it’s raw.
All of it is here to help you live more, love more, do more, and matter.

If you’ve ever asked yourself,
“Why am I like this… and what do I do now?”
Welcome. You’re not alone. You’re in the right place.

Paid subscribers have access to:

✅ Weekly Wednesday subscriber-only posts — intimate, thought-provoking, and often a little raw
✅ The Vault — curated resources, guides, and tools for growth (updated regularly)
✅ Full archive — revisit any past post, anytime
✅ Voice-overs — so you can listen while walking, driving, or pretending to clean
✅ Commenting access — join the dialogue and connect with fellow curious minds
✅ Occasional Challenges — simple but bold experiments to stretch your emotional muscles
✅ Bonus content — travel stories, behind-the-scenes reflections, live events, and more.
✅ Everything in the Perks — DIY Coaching section.

More perks may come as we evolve — this space is alive and co-created with readers like you.

Free subscribers get a monthly free post.

Subscribe now

A bit about me

I’m Valentina — a writer obsessed with the psychology of relationships and the art of choosing well. After years of studying how people tick (and how they trick — themselves most of all), I started Life Intelligence to share what actually works: no fluff, no platitudes, just honest psychology you can use.

Two small asks

1. Hit reply and tell me what brought you here. I read every reply, and it shapes what I write. Or fill out this form.

2. If something I write helps you, share it with one person who needs it. That’s how Life Intelligence grows.

Welcome aboard. Let’s get life-intelligent. 😉

— Valentina

Subscribe now

💌

In the meantime, tell your friends!

On a sunny, pleasant Fall day, Jennifer was sitting in my office recounting the dreary and unpleasant experiences of living with a very confusing man she claimed to love more than anyone ever. He is kind, she said. Gave her money once when she was desperate to pay her bills after losing her job. Her family thought he was a charming Boy Scout type.

“Handsome. Can’t forget the handsome,” she said, describing his radiant smile and how put-together he always is. Great sex, too. When it happens. Because he turns her down many-a-times, but pushes through when she doesn’t feel like it.

At the same time, he somehow always manages to make her feel inadequate. Around him, she feels ugly. She can never do anything right. She keeps her voice down, worried she is bothering him. He frequently seems irritated when they talk, belittles her ideas, and minimizes her concerns. Once, he refused to stand next to her at a party because she made him look bad.

He apparently has a female “just friend” from work. They like getting together for drinks at a bar on the way home once or twice per week but never invite her. Once he kept texting someone for an hour, ignoring her completely like she wasn’t in the room. When she asked him who he was texting, he called her paranoid and controlling. When he doesn’t come home until early mornings after a bar night, he claims he drank too much and had to sit it out for a couple of hours before he could drive home safely. Surely, she doesn’t want him crashing and killing someone on the road. She tells me she’s offered to pick him up. All he has to do is call her. But he never does.

She can put up with everything, she said, but he’s started physically pushing her around. They had an argument about something he accused her of doing, but she did not remember doing it. The more she defended herself, the louder he got, calling her names, until he pushed her against the wall. She yelled at him to stop. He did, apologized, and told her he never wanted to hurt her, but that she shouldn’t have driven him so mad.

After that argument, they agreed that she has a problem and needs to seek some help, or their relationship is doomed. She found me. I didn’t like what I was hearing. But this is not the first time I’ve heard a variation of this theme.

On average, it takes a victim several times to leave a narcissist for good, and that is after realizing what is happening to them. Many people in relationships with narcissists stay for a lifetime, or until someone gets badly hurt and the other person goes to jail. The majority endure these harmful relationships for far too long.

Once you begin to sense that something is wrong with your relationship, resist the urge to prove that your partner is a narcissist in order to decide the relationship is unacceptable. When you look at what actually happens in your relationship – humiliation, control, repeated boundary violations, fear of disagreeing with them, organizing your life around theirs and their reactions, the gaslighting, and the emotional or even physical abuse – judge it by the way it is affecting you. The label you give the other person does not matter. Your quality of life, safety, and the way they treat you do.

Ask yourself: if, when you first met this person, you had known the relationship would be the way it has been for you, would you have still chosen to be with that person? If your answer is no, then you should not be with them now either. On the other hand, if the relationship stayed exactly the same as it is now, would you still keep choosing it? Would you choose this kind of relationship for your good friends, your kids, or your parents? If not for them, why are you choosing it for yourself?

Once you decide to leave, assess what would be a safe way to end the relationship. Narcissists hate losing control and will likely not take kindly to your decision. If they have a violent history, your physical safety could be at stake. If they are the vulnerable type, your decision may send them into pleading mode, crying, and even manufacturing a crisis to keep you there. Somewhere in the emotional storm, they will find a way to trigger guilt, sympathy, and fear. You will be reminded that without them, you are nothing and that no one will care about you as much as they do. So, expect a few arrows into your self-esteem.

If you are financially dependent or your finances are intertwined, you might find yourself cut off from resources, or your joint accounts drained. What if you own a house or a business together? Narcissistic people can be very legally combative and vindictive. They will fight you in court, badmouth you to anyone within earshot, and even stalk you. So, consider the type of person you are trying to leave, how they usually overreact when challenged or denied, and prepare for that reaction to escalate.

Make an exit plan after your safety assessment. This plan should include safe people, resources, and the specific preparation you need to do before you break the news to them. Some victims go to the police and report years of abuse. Others run to a safe house. For some, things get unpleasant but still pretty civilized and adult.

You need to have a financial plan and a physical transition plan with as many details as possible. Where would you live? What do you need from the other person, if anything? How will you support yourself? If you have children together, you also need to think about what parenting would look like after you separate. Don’t forget the pets!

You will need emotional support from trusted friends. You may need family resources. You may even need medical care. So, before you go, line up all your options and create a strategy. If you don’t, you are likely to feel less confident and capable, and more likely to waver in your resolve or return to the narcissistic person if you can’t make it on your own.

Trust me when I tell you that going back to a narcissistic person is akin to falling off the wagon when you are trying to kick a substance abuse habit. You will have a few moments of telling yourself that you’re going to be OK and everything will be different this time because you know how to handle them. The narcissistic person can even show you a good time temporarily. They may welcome you back, make promises they don’t intend to keep, and help you get re-invested in the relationship. But sooner rather than later, you will see the same behavior you tried to escape reappear.

Self-blame will kick in next, as you ask yourself what is wrong with you for having fallen into the same situation again. Followed by depression. Accompanied by possibly escalating bad behavior on their part, as they mistreat you worse because they feel empowered by your retreat.

Understandably, you will wish for a final conversation in which the other person finally acknowledges the harm, understands your decision, and releases you without blame. While this is natural for you, it will be unnatural for the narcissistic person you want to leave. It may or may not come. If it comes, it is unlikely to be what you really hope to hear. It will more likely be some form of an excuse mixed with victim-blaming, rationalization, and as little acceptance of accountability as possible. Your departure shouldn’t depend on their understanding and approval of your decision. You do what you need to do.

This means deciding to end a relationship without “winning” an argument about whose account is correct and whose fault it is. Keep that separate from practical obligations and logistics that still require resolution.

As empowering as leaving is, you also need to prepare for the feelings that come after. There will be times when you need emotional support when you miss the person. You may remember the good times, feel guilty, or start to doubt your decision. You may feel lonely. Sadly, love for an abusive partner can persist, including when apologies and promises renew hope. Since the narcissistic pattern is to hoover after you leave, you may be getting just the kind of attention you wished you were getting while in the relationship and mistake the hoovering and renewed love bombing for an actual change.

Remind yourself that if they can treat you well now but didn’t before, it means they chose to mistreat you. If they chose to mistreat you before, they are likely to do it again as soon as they get you under their control.

Life might feel challenging on your own, and you may feel unprepared to meet these challenges. Plan who you can turn to when doubts arise and what ongoing practical support you will need. There are groups for narcissistic survivors to share their experiences and support each other. You may need therapy to process the emotional experiences. You may need to change your location temporarily or permanently because you want to avoid bumping into the other person in public, or to escape the fallout of the lies they spread about you post-separation.

Where abuse is present, safety planning also continues after separation. Many victims feel the worst of their narcissistic exes’ traits after they’ve left them. Many women have been killed by their resentful and vengeful violent ex-partners. This is a real concern, not a hypothetical, when dealing with an abusive partner.

Every person’s situation is different, even when the concerns are similar. So, every post-separation plan will look different. Having a plan and support will help you greatly to successfully navigate the separation process with a narcissistic partner and to thrive on your own.

Jennifer had not yet grasped the gravity of her situation when she came to see me. But in the sessions that followed, she slowly came to understand that she needed to set strong boundaries and defend them. She began seeing her Boy Scout partner differently and realized she no longer wanted to live in confusion. She did not want to feel small and inferior. She did have personal power and was capable of a lot more than he gave her credit for. The more she stood up for herself, the more combative he became.

Eventually, she felt strong enough and went into the bar where her partner was supposedly meeting his “just friend” for drinks that night. They were nowhere to be seen. She grabbed a table in the corner, watching the door. After a while, she texted him a friendly “How’s it going at the bar?” message: “Can I come have a drink with you guys?” As usual, he declined and told her he’d be home in an hour or so. She went home, but he didn’t show up until the early morning hours.

At this point, she knew he was having an affair. From her perspective, it only added insult to injury. She was fed up with the relationship as it was. Then, shortly after, he left his iPad at home during a supposed work trip. He must’ve forgotten that his phone was syncing with his iPad. All the text messages with his “just friend” started popping up on it in real time. Suddenly, she was privy to everything they were doing and planning, and none of it was just friends. She took screenshots.

When he got back from his trip, she calmly asked him about the other woman. As usual, he denied any involvement, called her paranoid, and told her that he would never cheat on her, despite how undeserving she was of his loyalty. He told her that anyone in his place would definitely cheat on her because they would not have the patience. He told her she was lucky to have him.

That’s when she made her plan to leave. It took a few months to put things in place and to get organized. She did everything quietly while skirting around him and pretending that everything was normal. He was apparently completely taken aback when, one day at work, she texted him all the screenshots from the iPad with a final note: “I’ll be gone when you get home.”

In her case, he literally stopped communicating with her. She left before he was due home. He never asked her where she was going or what she would be doing. He turned to a complete stranger the moment she called him on his lies. After that, they communicated only through their attorneys. It took two years to completely disentangle their lives. She thought she’d never see him again.

But as soon as the divorce was finalized, she bumped into him at one of her regular coffee shops. He flashed that beautiful smile at her. Greeted her warmly and complimented her on her changed appearance. He asked if he could call her for coffee or lunch to catch up, seemingly apologizing. It sounded to her like he was attempting to take some responsibility for his actions. He told her, “I have been thinking a lot about our relationship.”

But Jennifer remembered seeing this behavior from him before whenever he messed up. She also remembered that it always only led to a temporary reprieve, followed by more of the same disrespect, accusations, put-downs, and gaslighting.

She told him there was nothing to talk about anymore and wished him the best. Relaying the story to me, she beamed with pride in her actions and follow-through. She was a different person than the one who walked into my office three years before. I was proud of her too because I knew the challenges she faced processing her attachments to him, dealing with his silence, and his every effort to stall the divorce, delay, and minimize financial responsibilities as she struggled to make ends meet.

At a later check-in, she told me he had sent flowers to her workplace and left cute notes on her windshield. He somehow turned up at a restaurant where she was having dinner with a date. He had called her mom to say hello and how much he missed her family. He had told common friends that she cheated on him and left him when he found out, but that he would take her back any time.

Jennifer held her ground. He eventually faded away. She slowly strengthened her self-trust and self-reliance muscles and described herself as coming out of the shell he’d forced her into.

I’m making every new October essay free so more people can read and share this work. If you value Life Intelligence and want to help me keep writing it, I’d appreciate your support.

Become a paid subscriber. This month, you can get 20% off an annual subscription and keep that discounted rate when it renews. Your subscription supports the time, research, and writing behind these posts. And it is a lot!

Subscribe now

Buy me a Coffee – if a paid subscription isn’t for you, a one-time contribution is always welcome. You pick the amount.

Pass it on. Know someone who might find this essay helpful? Share it with them.

Share

Earn a free subscription. Refer friends to Life Intelligence and earn up to 6 months of a free subscription for yourself. The Leaderboard @ Life Intelligence home page will show you what you need to do and track your progress.

Thank you for reading and helping this work reach more people!

And a very special thank you to my paid supporters! You keep me going. Enjoy the voiceover. If you want me to write about a particular topic, reply to me directly… because paid subscribers can!! 🙏🙏🙏

Val

Read more

Apparently, this subject is turning into a series. There’s a lot to say, and even with what I’ve already said, I’ve barely scratched the surface. Next week, I’ll round it off with what to do if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist and you want out.

Here’s what I wrote so far:

Narcissistic Abuse Part 1: Adult relationships with narcissists.
Narcissistic Abuse Part 2: Growing up with narcissistic parents.
Not Advice. A Warning: The Vulnerable Narcissist.

Some people might recognize themselves in some of the narcissistic behaviors I’ve talked about. Others might recognize friends, family members, and co-workers. We all behave badly occasionally. We all have selfish moments and do inconsiderate things. But we are not all narcissists.

If a husband forgets about plans made with his wife and commits to something else, he’s likely to feel bad when she brings it up. He’ll apologize and try to fix the situation because he cares about his promises to her and how she feels. If a highly narcissistic person does it, he will get upset at her and likely try to rationalize and defend his actions. Even if he does eventually follow through with her, he’ll not be fun to be around.

Narcissists have a much higher self-concern than the garden-variety selfishness most of us experience. They hate feeling forced to comply with someone else’s needs, being called out on broken promises, and giving up what they want. It hits them in their low self-worth sore spot.

Some will hold a grudge, plot, and wait for as long as it takes, but they will get even somehow to re-establish their primacy. Others will whine and complain about it and use it against you in future negotiations.

The niceness of a narcissistic person can easily be misinterpreted as care. In reality, they want you to like and trust them. Sometimes, it’s literally neediness disguised as care, which can escalate to clinginess and even stalking. Other times, it’s a data-gathering phase where they learn as much about you as they can so they know how to maneuver and manipulate you later to get what they want. Some narcissistic people can become deliberately exploitative when their personalities also overlap with psychopathy and Machiavellianism.

Narcissists need other people because they see themselves through the eyes of others to affirm their made-up version of who they are. They project self-confidence and seek other people’s admiration and high regard to forget their low self-esteem. They control others to prove to themselves that they are powerful, influential, important, and consequential, and to silence self-criticism and self-doubt. They play the victim because they believe themselves entitled to sympathy and affection. They usually see themselves as special in some way and seek validation.

So, naturally, we all want to know how to avoid getting tricked and trapped by one. How successful we are depends on who we are and what we are willing to accept from others. As they say, we teach others how to treat us. So, we also need to accept responsibility for what we allow. We also need to ask the right questions.

Read more

In Narcissistic Abuse Part 1, I brought up the vulnerable/covert narcissist. I said they are tricky to spot because they are not the pompous, self-aggrandizing, life-of-the-party, arrogant boss types. They sneak up on you, get you invested, and then they consume all of you and install all of themselves in you. They are also really hard to leave because they are amazing guilt-trippers and empathy-provokers.

We are used to thinking of psychopaths as predators. But all psychopaths are narcissists first and foremost, even though not all narcissists are psychopaths. So, if some of the behaviors I describe here sound very psychopathic, it’s because that’s why! A highly narcissistic person can be just as dangerous and just as predatory, too.

Especially interesting are the differences between male and female narcissists, so yes, I’ll go over that, too. Once again, let me remind you that we all have some narcissistic characteristics and behave badly once in a while. But what you’re looking for is a pattern and frequency of behavior, as well as clusters of these characteristics. A one-off, a bad day, a moment of frustration in a genuinely compassionate, empathetic, good person is not the same as the rotten soul of a vulnerable narcissist, almost entirely self-absorbed, lacking empathy, and causing constant drama.

Interestingly, this type of person may already be in your life as a friend, married to a relative, or a co-worker. You may not even know it because you are not with them as much as an intimate partner would be, and because you may not have had a reason or an opportunity to disagree with them or to somehow represent a threat to them from their perspective. So, from your perspective, they will seem nice, friendly, and approachable, perhaps a little socially awkward or socially anxious, but generally just fine.

But after you finish reading this, you will be able to spot red flags. Even if you don’t live with one of them, you should still be careful how much you invest your time and energy in them, especially if you are the “fixer” type. Remember, plenty of those people are out there, statistically speaking. So, if you have not been affected by one yet, that does not mean you can avoid them forever. You need to know how to protect yourself from them, and hopefully avoid marrying one if you can’t avoid working with one.

Read more

There seems to be a particular interest in the vulnerable(covert) narcissists who are especially good at pretending to care and are frequently taken for nice, sweet, positive, and genuinely caring. It’s only after establishing a relationship with a person that they begin to show their true colors. Yet, they are the hardest to leave because they are extra confusing - showing you care when you are down but tearing you down whenever you feel a little stronger. I will address them in a separate post.

Next week I will talk about what it takes to leave a relationship with a highly narcissistic person. On average, it takes 7 attempts to do so before a victim of narcissistic abuse finally does it. So this isn’t simply a pack-your-bags decision.

While adults may be able to avoid these relationships, children born into them are not so lucky. They grow up with narcissistic parents as their first role models, their first blueprint for relationships, and most importantly, their first self-concept. It turns out that it matters who is the narcissist in the family - the mother or the father. Furthermore, boys and girls have different relationships with their mothers and fathers.

Read more

Next week, in Part 2 of this 3-part series on narcissistic abuse, I will discuss children growing up with narcissistic parents. Don’t miss this!

Subscribe now

Everyone’s ex is a narcissist these days, and people constantly blame their problems as adults on supposedly narcissistic parents. While it is true that in the age of selfies and “me first” attitude, we all seem to be acquiring more narcissistic qualities, those who have actually lived with very highly narcissistic parents or partners roll their eyes at the rest of us, saying, “Hold my beer.”

Narcissistic abuse is pernicious, sneaky, and incredibly destabilizing and disorienting, and because of it, extremely hard to detect and extricate yourself from. By definition, it makes you question your own perception of reality and erodes your self-reliance and confidence, so how are you ever going to know that what you are experiencing is the machinations of a narcissistic person?

Read more

Next week, I start a 3-week series on Narcissistic Abuse. Don’t miss it.

Subscribe now

A Pew Research survey from October 2025 found that 75% of US adults have read at least part of one book in the last 12 months. Eight percent read exactly one. Book clubs attract fewer people. Audiobooks and e-books are becoming widely used, while physical book readership is declining. More educated people, as well as more white people, read more books. People under 50 and Asians are more likely to use audiobooks and e-books. Women outread men. And about 25% of Americans just don’t read.

You might think, “Who cares? We’ve got YouTube and social media.” But reading seems to have a fascinating relationship with brain development, critical thinking, creativity, and more. Humans are the only species on the planet that have invented reading, and our brains have reorganized to do it. It’s got to be worth something to just give it up.

Some scientists argue that people who read more score higher on “Openness to new experiences” in the Big Five personality traits. In real life, that shows up as intellectual curiosity, an appetite for novelty, tolerance for complexity, imagination, and an interest in ideas.

It’s hard to say whether intellectually curious people got that way from reading books, or whether they read books because they are that way. It’s probably not worth trying to figure out which is the chicken and which is the egg. Education, childhood environment, vocabulary, parental modeling, income, and access to books also affect the probability of becoming a reader. In turn, reading compounds the initial differences.

Importantly, these readers may be getting a leg up over non-readers. Compare verbal knowledge between readers and non-readers, and you see, on average, a difference in eloquence, expression, and ability to convey not only information but also feelings and complex ideas. I found a meta-analysis on PubMed from 2024, claiming that “reading fiction led to significant small-sized cognitive benefits,” meaning lifetime fiction exposure correlated with better cognitive outcomes. It wasn’t remotely enough to say “readers are smarter,” but it is a meaningful population-level association that’s likely to increase as more people stop reading.

“…effects were greatest for verbal abilities, followed by general cognitive abilities and empathy/mentalizing/outgroup judgments. “

It’s not difficult to imagine how non-readers, losing the skill of reading, find reading more effortful, so they avoid it. But by avoiding reading, they also risk losing vocabulary and may find it difficult to express themselves and their ideas.

It reminds me of this British guy I watch on social media who says, “If you want to say ‘Don’t F*** with me,’ It is far too rude. Far too blunt…” and then goes on to give you alternatives, ending with the Victorian version. And as you can imagine, they are hilarious, but only because he’s got quite the vocabulary.

Beyond counting vocabulary, reading gives you repeated practice of inhabiting a mind that isn’t yours. I used to read a lot of Agatha Christie novels. Then moved to Raymond Chandler, and from there to more modern crime novels. When Breaking Bad came out, Season1, Episode 2, when Walter White and Jesse Pinkman had to dispose of the corpse of a rival drug dealer, I said, “Get hydrofluoric acid and put him in the bathtub. Make sure it’s NOT a ceramic tub or else…” Well, we know how that went. They put him in the regular ceramic tub, and the whole human-remains soup came crashing through the floorboards into the hallway below.

My boyfriend looked at me like, “How did you know that?” I told him that I know 100 ways to dispose of a body so no one can find it. I was just inhabiting the Breaking Bad world, but my boyfriend found it difficult to sleep at night for a while. Thankfully, most worlds I inhabit are much more pleasant and do not involve breaking the law. These days, I mostly read non-fiction and try to fill my head with more useful information.

Good reading, not just fiction, transforms the reader. It asks us to see different perspectives, and we inevitably ask ourselves many questions: “What would I do? What if I am in this situation? How can I use this? Is this helpful? What is left unsaid? What are the implications?” and so on. Our minds churn out ideas from there.

But, according to the U.S. Department of Education’s 2023 PIAAC assessment of adults ages 16–65, roughly 8% of working-age U.S. adults have extremely limited English literacy (below Level 1), while 28% have low literacy skills, meaning they struggle to comprehend as complexity increases. How does more than one quarter of the U.S population survive an increasingly complex world - from navigating bureaucracy to voting, to avoiding scams, to getting jobs, to simply functioning day-to-day?

Reading is literally a brain exercise. So is conversing, apparently.

Scientists analyzing 22 studies spanning 14 years found that we speak 338 fewer words per day in our modern societies. Meaning we don’t speak as much as we used to. Whether that means we’re also losing conversational skills is another question, but generally, skills we practice less aren’t skills we should expect to improve. “From 2005 to 2019, the reduction in the estimated number of words spoken per day was about 28%.“ It makes me wonder what COVID did to the rest.

That can’t be good.

Living in one’s own head hasn’t proven to be the most hospitable environment, especially for long periods. You see people talking to themselves and their pets instead, but that’s not helping with intellectual discourse or learning to live with other people’s opinions, preferences, ideas, and questions.

It’s not hard to imagine a feedback loop. People become uncomfortable asking for help or learning about their neighbors and community because these things require conversations. Face-to-face conversations become more uncomfortable, so people avoid them and feel increasingly isolated, but also more judgmental of others, more intolerant, and more vulnerable to confirmation bias and manipulation.

The not-talking bit is interesting in the age of AI because when people don’t know what to say, they just ask ChatGPT. The result is that people text like witty comedians or thoughtful, emotionally intelligent humans, but when you meet them in person, they can’t get three words out. “I hear what you’re saying, and I want to validate your feelings while also expressing my boundaries…” sounds terrific in a text. But in an actual argument, people interrupt, get defensive, can’t articulate what they feel, violate boundaries, or shut down.

Resumes shine, while people bomb their in-person job interviews. Someone writes beautifully reasoned emails but contributes very little when challenged in real time. When asked about their own email, if AI did much of the reasoning and probably all of the writing, they have difficulty defending their arguments or can’t remember what they wrote.

Not to mention what happens in classrooms these days. I used to sweat over papers and exams. Now, the answers are easy to get, but who bothers remembering them? AI can structure a paper, but students risk failing to develop the skill of structuring their thoughts. They lose the opportunity to think for themselves and to know why they think what they think.

Between not reading and not talking, we might be setting ourselves up for a very unpleasant future, one in which we find ourselves more polarized, more reliant on technology to do things for us, and more isolated. To circle back to the beginning, what would our world look like if it bifurcated into readers with conversational skills and mute non-readers?

Thanks for reading this.

People want a magic cure for ailing relationships. I get it. And there is one. Maybe not exactly magic, but definitely something you can do today no matter how stale or tumultuous your relationship has become. If I tell you what it is, you probably won’t believe me because it’s the easiest thing you can possibly do, won’t mind doing, and already know how to do it.

And if you like your relationship and want to keep liking it, what I am about to tell you will benefit you too.

Read more

There are two sides to every story, they say. But infidelity has three. You need to understand all three to know how to protect your relationship and yourself from becoming one of them. And to do that, you need to let go of the most common assumptions about affairs you’ve most likely accepted as gospel, because each perspective holds a diagnostic clue about hidden relationship dynamics and vulnerabilities.

When a relationship fractures, we instinctively want to assign blame. We want a clear villain and a clear victim. We want clear explanations. An affair offers none of it. Instead, it turns people’s worlds upside down. It meshes blame, shame, guilt, excitement, passion, insecurities, entitlement, and right and wrong into a Level 5 hurricane, with a long tail of destruction.

Who cheats more? It depends on what you consider cheating. Not all affairs involve physical contact. Not all people honestly answer survey questions for statistical purposes, either. Recent findings from the General Social Survey (GSS) and the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) highlight some interesting trends in physical cheating. In a major reversal from previous decades, the reported infidelity rate for married men (ages 25–54) dropped from 21% to 11%, while women in the same age group remained at 14%.

However, this did not mean that men stopped cheating. It means they changed their cheating ways. It turns out, the steep drop in physical cheating among younger men directly correlates with the rise of digital alternatives such as online pornography, virtual intimacy, and social media flirting, replacing physical affairs.

While historic GSS data only tracked physical intercourse among married people, modern surveys find that 76% of Americans consider a secret, non-physical emotional relationship to be infidelity. Nearly 72% of U.S. adults state that a secret online-only emotional relationship constitutes cheating, even if you are not married.

Chances are that you know someone, or you are someone who has been either a cheater, cheated on, or an affair partner. Perhaps some of you reading this are currently in a love triangle, even if you don’t know it yet.

Read more

I wonder what her experience feels like to her. She always looks happy, but what does happiness feel like from her perspective? Perhaps in her little furry head, the world for “happiness” is a “sand hole.” Or perhaps happiness is not a word. It’s a smell. What does a beach sand hole smell like? How would I know?

How would I know anything? People have been asking themselves this same thing since apparently humans were self-aware enough to wonder about it. Ancient scriptures dug into that hole. Years ago, I dug into ancient scriptures and came out the other end not necessarily enlightened but definitely more informed. Ancient philosophies seem to agree on a few things we can’t dispute and should pay close attention to.

The most fundamental agreement among philosophical thought from India, China, Ancient Greece, and Mexico is that human beings normally experience neither themselves nor reality quite as they actually are, and therefore we misbehave and suffer.

And here we are, doing our best to keep it that way. We rarely question our perceptions. Our best guesses of what reality is come from the sciences. Most of it goes right over our heads, because these days most of us need a calculator to figure out a restaurant tip, let alone understand what chemistry or quantum physics is telling us. It doesn’t stop us from misunderstanding it and arguing over it, though.

While I remember the Deepak Chopras and Oshos out there who confidently misrepresent quantum physics to build a business empire selling people hope of enlightenment and escape from suffering, Lulu poops.

Read more

Some discard it altogether, accepting their fortune’s loss. Others wonder if they could refill it.

So, when a client tells me, “I am no longer attracted to my partner,” I want to know what we are talking about. What was in that pouch? Romantic, sexual, and physical attraction may sound about the same, but they are different types and sizes of coins in the pouch. There might be other coins in there too, such as admiration and respect.

Everyone’s fortune depends on their perception of which coins are missing and how big those coins were from their perspective. Is there anything left at all? Even more interesting to me is why these coins disappeared. Until this question is answered, the pouch cannot be refilled. The answers themselves cannot refill the pouch either. That’s just the first step and what could be a long and sometimes impossible process.

Couples need to do the right things to plump up their attraction pouches again. And they need patience. Some succeed. Many fail.

Physical attraction is finding someone’s appearance, voice, scent, movement, or overall presence aesthetically appealing. It’s essentially, “I like looking at this person.” We say things like, “She’s beautiful,” and “He’s handsome.” It’s a good start, and it could be the end of it. We can enjoy the physical attractiveness of others without ever wanting to have sex with them or even have them over for dinner.

Sexual attraction makes you say, “I WANT this person.” That’s where “chemistry” delivers its magic. Often, physical attraction precedes sexual attraction. But also, many people become sexually attracted to someone they didn’t initially find especially physically attractive. But the person’s personality, humor, intelligence, confidence, or emotional intimacy, and sometimes reputation, whip up an unmistakable chemical reaction, inducing the kind of craving that makes you sing “Let’s get it on.” Unless you’re a millennial, in which case you might be humming along to “Need to Know” (Doja Cat). Anyone older, don’t look up that one. Consider yourself warned.

Researchers often distinguish physical and sexual attraction because even though they may overlap, they are not identical psychological processes.

Then, there’s romantic attraction, adding yet another layer. Somehow your brain decides that you just can’t live without the object of your affection. Now, you want to have this person forever. You imagine yourself building a life with them. You miss them when they are gone. You want them to hold you and tell you how much they love you. You become Romeo and Juliet with a wedding. That’s an “All of Me,” John Legend time.

One of the most interesting findings from relationship research is that these dimensions don’t always rise and fall together. In a long relationship, for example:

• Physical attraction may remain high (”I still think she’s beautiful.”)

• Sexual attraction may fluctuate.

• Romantic attraction may remain very strong (”He/She’s still MY person.”)

Or:

• Someone may still find their partner physically beautiful.

• Romantic love may still exist, but fluctuate.

• Yet, sexual attraction may be gone completely.

But the worst case is when all three disappear. That’s a truly sad-looking, droopy, empty pouch of attraction. You look at the other person and don’t want to even talk to them. May even feel repulsed.

So, that’s why I want to know what my clients mean by “attraction.” Getting “it” back depends on what has been lost, how long it has been, and what killed it. These may be the most frightening questions in long-term relationships because they usually arrive after months or years of pretending nothing is wrong.

What actually kills attraction?

Read more

I’ve been living aboard the Hail Mary ship on a journey to save the Earth from certain death. It’s only been a few days for me flipping pages, but if you know your relativity, you know how time dilates. My few days with a human and an alien on a dangerous interstellar adventure are the equivalent of several news cycles in America.

Somehow, America still exists despite my inattention to controversial political details.

Upon my “return,” I am told that our Secretary of State/National Security Adviser/Acting Archivist of the United States (what’s that?)/Acting Administrator of the USAID(didn’t this get DOGEd?), the one and only, multitalented Marco Rubio has released a 100-page report, blacklisting a bunch of politically inconvenient US Citizens and organizations.

I am told that the Mayors of NYC and LA, George Floyd, Rep. Oman, and even Amy Goodman from Democracy Now are blacklisted. As in the Red Scare and McCarthyism of the 50s.

Supposedly, this is all over the news. Big news. Can-you-believe-it news.

Read more

Jane’s husband survived a heart attack at 37. She says everyone around them assumed everything was fine now. In many ways, the crisis was over. But it didn’t feel over for her at home. She felt exhausted, serving as his caretaker and providing emotional support, coordinating his appointments, running the household, caring for the children, and still working.

She admits to feeling like running on empty and, at the same time, guilty for complaining or asking for time to herself. Meanwhile, her husband was not the man he used to be. Dependent, vulnerable, and mostly depressed, he spent his days withdrawn in his own world. Still haunted by the fear of another heart attack, he felt his stomach tighten and his heart race whenever he was alone, but he ground his teeth and kept it to himself, ashamed to admit how frightened he was.

A medical emergency is not necessary for one spouse to become the other’s caretaker. Sometimes, people just age differently. Not everyone has the means to hire help, or the good fortune to have family around to share the burden. Frequently, older couples prefer to age in place. But aging in place is not necessarily the easiest on the caretaker.

No matter how people end up in a caretaking situation, they usually struggle with shifting relationship dynamics and the renegotiation of roles and responsibilities. They become like Roman Riders on two horses - the one saddled with logistics, and the other with psychological unease, galloping through their new reality while trying not to fall down and make things worse.

Read more

I doubt there’s anyone left in this country, or on this planet for that matter, who hasn’t heard of “limiting beliefs,” “childhood trauma,” or the relationship between our upbringing and our current life experiences. In other words, therapists and anyone who’s ever read a self-help book know to look for clues in our past.

Yet knowing why we get stuck in unhelpful, unhealthy behavior and relationships is not the same as why we remain stuck even when we have the self-knowledge and intellectual understanding we need to move on.

I observe clients, friends, family, and people in general: after a year, two, or ten of therapy, working on themselves, reading and following expert advice, and gaining insight, many still struggle with the same emotional challenges. In many cases, they cycle in and out of “doing better” and “not again.”

For example, a man in his 50’s has been holding a grudge against his mother for leaving him with his dad when he was a schoolboy. No amount of talking it over with her and listening to her reasons and apologies, no amount of help and support she’s gifted him for decades since, no amount of therapy has actually made any difference except in superficial ways. His relationship with her remains tainted by resentment and blame, even though he understands intellectually what he is doing emotionally to her and to himself. An easy explanation would be to say that this dynamic and being the victim are now part of his identity. But what if he does not wish to be this way and has been trying for years to get over his resentment? What if he’s tried to reframe, understand, and empathize with her, and still the lever of resentment refuses to budge while the dynamic continues to hurt both of them?

Many people want change. They understand how they got to where they are. Yet change rarely comes. That suggests something important: insight, by itself, is not the lever that moves human behavior. Something else is holding the system in place.

Read more

According to Esther Perel, a famed relationship expert, we exist in the midst of a relationship revolution.

We’ve transitioned from production-based relationships (the institution of marriage for the preservation of wealth and the growth of one’s resources) to service-based relationships (we want pleasure, fun, someone to fulfill us and help us become the best we can be as individuals). We’ve elevated personal relationships up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs from survival, through love and connection, to self-actualization. Which is to say, we now leave relationships not because they are bad, but because they are not good enough.

We have gained unprecedented freedom in the relationship space, but no longer trust the maps that once helped people navigate it.

We used to know the roles we should play. Now, we’re free to redefine everything, including ourselves. Our unprecedented freedom creates opportunities and flexibility to choose partners, leave marriages, reject tradition, make our own relationship rules, and reinvent ourselves whenever we feel we need to. Many take full advantage of it, as evidenced by marriage statistics showing high divorce rates, fewer people choosing to marry, and when they do, it’s much later in life.

Others feel confused and left behind instead, as they can’t seem to figure out how they fit into the new world without traditional rules and prescribed roles. They look back in time and feel that it’s never been so hard to find a life partner before.

In all this freedom to choose, to change, to explore, we still search for stability and security. A few find it, while many more experience existential anxiety.

Read more

Conflict is like the flu. You know it happens, but you hope it won’t happen to you, and not today. And, if it does, it will be easy, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time. But sometimes, it puts you out for weeks. As long as you live, conflict and the flu will happen to you.

While some contentions get resolved with as little as clarifying your statements, intentions, and plans, admitting fault or a mistake, others linger and eat you up for weeks, months, and even years.

“If you don’t want to fight, learn to compromise,” you’ve heard it a million times. I consider this a recipe for stewing in resentment, leading to recurring arguments about the same thing. Here’s why.

Compromise often relies on the same assumptions as distributive bargaining: that there is a fixed pie and every gain for one person comes at the expense of the other. It works in some situations, like when you and your friends need to split the bill at the pizza shop. You all ate a different amount of pizza. Count the slices. Determine your portion of the bill. People pay for what they eat. Everyone goes home full and happy.

The classic example of distributive bargaining is haggling over price. You have a bike to sell and want $100 for it. I want to pay $50. We settle at $75. Neither of us got what we wanted.

The compromise worked, but the result is mediocre. We could get over the bike price after a while, especially because we may never see each other again, and the stakes are pretty low. But when these types of compromises occur in relationships, the mediocre results can cause people to feel and behave in strange ways.

Not everything divides like a pizza pie or should amount to a haggle. Values, beliefs, wants, and human needs do not subject themselves to these strategies.

If you believe Christmas should be spent with your parents, but your partner wants to go skiing and brings up the fact that last year Christmas was at your parents’ house, you are about to enter a negotiation. If you are married to someone whose wants, values, priorities, or needs regularly conflict with your own, good luck feeling happy about the compromise you end up making. At best, you will feel begrudgingly accommodating. Inevitably, you will start keeping a mental score that you will gladly bring up at the next negotiation, whatever that might be about.

Usually, no one wins, not even the person who gets to have their way, because they will have to contend with their partner’s resentment and eventually give up something they want to even out the score. The winner still has to live with their partner’s disappointment or withdrawal. A negotiated victory often becomes a relational loss.

Sometimes “compromise” means the less powerful person consistently accepts slightly less than they want. Many unhappy marriages are built on decades of “reasonable compromises” that disproportionately favored one partner. If every major decision is split down the middle or skewed towards the more powerful person, people may slowly lose touch with what they genuinely want. You see this in career choices, lifestyle choices, sexuality, parenting, retirement plans, and even in who people vote for and where a couple chooses to live.

Even though compromise is fast - let’s just meet in the middle, many conflicts have objectively better solutions than the midpoint. But to find them requires a different way of thinking about them.

Read more

Marriage occupies a central role in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Unlike many Christian traditions that view marriage as lasting only until death, faithful Latter-day Saints believe that marriages performed in LDS temples are “sealed” for eternity.

Mormons believe that the highest level of heaven is associated with eternal family relationships.

Marriage and family are considered part of God’s plan for human progression. Although a civil marriage can be dissolved, especially after counseling and a fair attempt to save it, or in cases of abuse, abandonment, addiction, and infidelity, temple marriage is another matter.

My client walked out on a temple marriage. Officially, people are free to leave, ask for the marriage to be unsealed, and if they remarry, they can be sealed to the new spouse. They can also leave the faith if they want to, and the Church does not teach that they should be shunned. Officially.

However, severe consequences do follow. Many former members describe their departure as being treated almost like a death in the family because relatives believe eternal togetherness may be at risk. Former members lose social support networks and find themselves excluded from community life. Some even lose business partners, clients, and professional connections and opportunities. And there are complications with joint child custody arising from one ex-spouse leaving the faith while the other remains in it.

My client, like many others, had to decide if she could stay physically in, but mentally out, and continue to do whatever other Mormons do, just to preserve her family and social bonds, or if she couldn’t. At first glance, this looks like a cost-benefit analysis of logistics, connections, and structure. But below the surface, a person who no longer holds that religious identity finds themself trapped in a world they don’t belong to, and it sucks.

This kind of pretending felt corrosive to her mental health and balance. Eventually, the pain of pretending became stronger than the pain of taking a chance. She took that chance, and at the time she came to see me, she was feeling the pain of possibly losing her children and grandchildren forever.

She had outgrown her religion and her marriage. From her perspective, she should not be punished for living honestly and authentically.

People rarely stay the same. Everyone changes. The problem is that couples often change at different rates, in different domains, or toward different values. One person starts therapy. One develops a spiritual practice. One becomes healthier, more ambitious, more independent, more social, more reflective, and more emotionally aware. The other may be growing too, but in ways that don’t overlap, and may or may not be compatible. Or they could be stagnating, even getting worse. They could be getting less healthy, more complacent, politically differently aligned, develop substance abuse dependency, become chronically negative, abusive, etc.

Can a relationship survive growth divergence and personal changes? In exploring the question, I found six interesting themes.

Read more