Better Connection Through Better Communication
Plust, Malta pictures and stories
Today, I focus on one of the most important elements of a strong, healthy relationship and the ability to function in society in general—communication. My goal is to give you practical, easy-to-apply tools you can use immediately, not just to avoid conflict but also to deepen your connection with friends and family. I want to make sure you and your significant other feel understood, valued, and supported. I am writing this from the perspective of a couple's dynamic, but whatever you learn to apply in this context can be used in other contexts because communication skills are universally applicable.
Why does communication matter? The shortest answer is - because people live in their own heads with their own thoughts and experiences, and unless they have a skillful way of relating that information to others, no one will know! Things won't get done. Needs won't be met. And no fun could be had.
Research tells us that effective communication is the foundation of long-lasting relationships. It's how you express love, resolve conflicts, get things done, and build trust. Problems usually arise not from what we say, but how we say it—or sometimes not say it at all. Good communication is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned and improved over time. I am still working on it myself. You should've seen me a couple of days ago lose my sh** trying to get answers from mindboggling incompetent customer service over an international phone call.
Picture this: After getting transferred back and forth to different departments, I finally got transferred to the right one but was put on hold for 30 minutes. When a guy finally comes on the line, he asks me about my address and date of birth to verify my identity. Then it sounds like he dropped the phone into a bag of potato chips.
After a few moments of rustling and crunching noises, he apologizes, saying, "Did I ask you for your address?" "Yup, you did," I think to myself, but politely give it to him again. Then silence followed, during which I didn't hear any of the usual keyboard clicking. A minute or two later, which feels like an eternity when you just sit there waiting on the other end of an international phone call, the guy says, "Did I ask you for your date of birth?"
This time, I answered, "Yep, you did, and I gave it to you already."
"Well, give it to me again then. I was reading an email."
"Well, that's nice," I said. "Were you reading the email before, after, or while eating your lunch because you sure don't seem to be paying attention to me? It makes me wonder why you even picked up the phone."
It only got worse from there. All along, a little voice in my head kept saying, "Don't waste your time. Keep it cool. You know better than to get pissed off at an incompetent government employee." But did I listen? Yes, I did, I heard that voice because I have highly developed mindfulness skills. But, no, I didn't follow my own good advice. Because… I guess I don't like incompetent government employees, and I don't like being told what to do??? I wish I could say that it made me feel better, but it didn't, and it probably took longer to get the information I wanted than if I actually practiced the advice I am about to give you.
I am telling you this story as a warning about what happens when you don't practice effective, skillful communication. You just get yourself worked up. In this case, I'll never talk to this person again, especially if Elon Musk has his way. But at home, this kind of attitude, especially if repeated, will deteriorate your relationship and may even destroy it.
So, let's see what we can easily do to make communication flow better, more productively, and more caringly. BUT FIRST, this PSA
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And on to the rest of the article…