Can attraction come back?
Physically. Romantically. Sexually.
Most people treat attraction like a pouch of coins. The fatter the pouch, the richer the experience. But somehow, the pouch gets smaller and smaller over time until eventually, it hangs empty from the belt.
Some discard it altogether, accepting their fortune’s loss. Others wonder if they could refill it.
So, when a client tells me, “I am no longer attracted to my partner,” I want to know what we are talking about. What was in that pouch? Romantic, sexual, and physical attraction may sound about the same, but they are different types and sizes of coins in the pouch. There might be other coins in there too, such as admiration and respect.
Everyone’s fortune depends on their perception of which coins are missing and how big those coins were from their perspective. Is there anything left at all? Even more interesting to me is why these coins disappeared. Until this question is answered, the pouch cannot be refilled. The answers themselves cannot refill the pouch either. That’s just the first step and what could be a long and sometimes impossible process.
Couples need to do the right things to plump up their attraction pouches again. And they need patience. Some succeed. Many fail.
Physical attraction is finding someone’s appearance, voice, scent, movement, or overall presence aesthetically appealing. It’s essentially, “I like looking at this person.” We say things like, “She’s beautiful,” and “He’s handsome.” It’s a good start, and it could be the end of it. We can enjoy the physical attractiveness of others without ever wanting to have sex with them or even have them over for dinner.
Sexual attraction makes you say, “I WANT this person.” That’s where “chemistry” delivers its magic. Often, physical attraction precedes sexual attraction. But also, many people become sexually attracted to someone they didn’t initially find especially physically attractive. But the person’s personality, humor, intelligence, confidence, or emotional intimacy, and sometimes reputation, whip up an unmistakable chemical reaction, inducing the kind of craving that makes you sing “Let’s get it on.” Unless you’re a millennial, in which case you might be humming along to “Need to Know” (Doja Cat). Anyone older, don’t look up that one. Consider yourself warned.
Researchers often distinguish physical and sexual attraction because even though they may overlap, they are not identical psychological processes.
Then, there’s romantic attraction, adding yet another layer. Somehow your brain decides that you just can’t live without the object of your affection. Now, you want to have this person forever. You imagine yourself building a life with them. You miss them when they are gone. You want them to hold you and tell you how much they love you. You become Romeo and Juliet with a wedding. That’s an “All of Me,” John Legend time.
One of the most interesting findings from relationship research is that these dimensions don’t always rise and fall together. In a long relationship, for example:
Physical attraction may remain high (”I still think she’s beautiful.”)
Sexual attraction may fluctuate.
Romantic attraction may remain very strong (”He/She’s still MY person.”)
Or:
Someone may still find their partner physically beautiful.
Romantic love may still exist, but fluctuate.
Yet, sexual attraction may be gone completely.
But the worst case is when all three disappear. That’s a truly sad-looking, droopy, empty pouch of attraction. You look at the other person and don’t want to even talk to them. May even feel repulsed.
So, that’s why I want to know what my clients mean by “attraction.” Getting “it” back depends on what has been lost, how long it has been, and what killed it. These may be the most frightening questions in long-term relationships because they usually arrive after months or years of pretending nothing is wrong.
What actually kills attraction?