Can you heal a relationship?
What your relationships say about you
We cannot discuss human flourishing without considering relationships – both with others and with ourselves. Scientists have been trying to convince us that the key to a happy and fulfilling life, and even good physical health, is the quality of our relationships. Yet, we exist in them by default and without much thought, and as far as the relationship with ourselves is concerned, we function on autopilot.
Myths about good relationships abound, and self-obsession usually feeds them. On the one hand, we believe that good relationships are to be found, not created. It doesn’t matter whether it is the expectation of a soulmate in an intimate relationship or the daily experience with coworkers, bosses, and friends; we believe that if we are in the right place with the right people, life flows effortlessly and pleasantly. So, off we go, exploring apps, meetups, and job interviews in endless searches.
On the other hand, we find ourselves in the same types of conflicts and the same arguments with different people, wondering why this thing or that “always” happens to us and what is wrong with people. We run away from one situation, glad we found a better one, but inevitably realize after a while that we are experiencing similar challenges.
Consider the person who frequently changes jobs, always starting out positive and enthusiastic, but leaving within a year, because they find the job intolerable. When asked what happened, they have nothing but stories about other people’s behavior and incompetence.
How about the common phenomenon of family holidays playing out the same conflicts year after year? People vow never to go again, but usually do. Many don’t need to wait for the holidays to get on each other’s nerves. Couples who live together, parents and their children, and even neighbors often find ways to irritate each other, and usually around the same handful of issues.
We fall into patterns of communication, expectations, and behavior around others, essentially doing the same things over and over, but expecting our relationship aggravators to disappear and tomorrow to be a better day.
In my own experience, I wish, with everything I know, that I could say I’ve solved all my relationship problems, but I would be lying. Since I am in Bulgaria now, and had to bring my mom to stay with me for the winter because her village house is too far and often inaccessible in the winter, I get to experience and reflect on how things go between us.
The moment she came into my space, my mood shifted from happy-go-lucky, motivated, and excited to be a tourist in Sofia to a tightness in my chest that feels a lot like agitation, anger, resentment, and judgment all at once. I paid a lot of money for a Master’s in psychology, so I know enough not to react out of these feelings. I know enough to understand where they come from. I know enough to understand her. Still, what my head knows and what my body experiences are two different worlds that I am left having to contend with.
One of the comments on my last post said:
It gave me the idea for this post. It made me think, can a relationship be healed? People say this a lot. I think what people mostly mean when they say “to heal a relationship” is that a relationship they are in feels less problematic, easier, and more enjoyable.
Usually, people think that a broken, unhealthy relationship is like a rock in your shoe. Sometimes it gives you a blister. Sometimes the blister bleeds and gets infected. To heal the relationship, one would need to remove the rock, which would then allow the blister to heal. Sounds reasonable. However, where are you walking? Are you walking on grass, stumbling over boulders, or wading in knee-deep mud? Are you carrying a heavy load on your shoulders? Are you heading in the right direction? Who is walking with you?
