Do You Fit Each Other In Love And Friendships
Compatibility Architecture and Psychology
I’m on a writing spree… so, y’ll get another post. And again, it’s free.
On Wednesday, paid subscribers will get the #2 post in the Life-Transformation 5-Week Series, on the identity gap and how to navigate the space between what you used to be and what you are becoming. As I start traveling again at the end of September, I take my paid subscribers on the journey, with pictures and stories from the road.
Paid subscriptions help me research and write (and buy Lulu’s treats 😊). If you don’t want to become a paid subscriber but you do appreciate the free content, including this post, consider buying me a coffee (or a few). Each is only $3, cheaper than an actual one.
👉 buymeacoffee.com/LifeIntelligence 🙏💕
Today, I explore the idea of compatibility across the spectrum of human connection—whether it's a ride-or-die BFF situation or a hot date.
Most people have no idea what to look for to establish compatibility. Frankly, almost no one even thinks about that. Vibing is enough to get the ball rolling. Nothing wrong with that, as a first step, cracking a door open. But if you want a lasting and rewarding experience, you need to know how to figure out if you and your new bestie are actually compatible.
In dating, we mistake butterflies for green flags. We assume easy conversation means lifelong alignment. We think laughing at the same memes foretells soulmate material. But what if you're just having a moment?
Best to decide how much to invest in another person based on your long-term prospects together. If you're not compatible but continue to invest, you may end up emotionally (and financially) broke. Compatibility is less about how you vibe and more about how you operate. It's the architecture underneath long-lasting goodness in relationships. If you ignore the blueprint, the structure eventually collapses.
The first, probably most obvious thing to remember is that chemistry does not automatically translate into long-term compatibility. It's fun to have, especially if you can sustain it. However, in itself, it is not sufficient to grow a relationship. It's the same with vibing in a newly formed friendship.
Chase Hughes, a behavioral expert and the creator of the Behavioral Table of Elements, originally developed for intelligence and influence work, which is also an excellent relationship tool, outlines four core psychological needs (motivators) that drive how we show up in the world:
Belonging – I want to feel accepted, included, part of something.
Significance – I want to feel important, respected, and valued.
Predictability – I want stability, clarity, consistency.
Growth – I want challenge, evolution, and inspiration.
Every person has a unique mix of these. Romantic or platonic relationships tend to work better when the mix either aligns or is understood and supported.
Imagine:
You value Growth—you're always changing, reading, and evolving, while your friend or partner values predictability—they like things steady and secure.
Or you're driven by Significance—you want to be deeply see,n while they're driven by belonging, prioritize group harmony, and avoid conflict.
These pairings aren't doomed. But they do require self-awareness, mutual understanding, and honest communication. Without that? Frustration. Misfires. Resentment over things no one can quite articulate.
If you find a resemblance of this model with Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you're not alone, nor is Chase Hughes the only one who is improvising with it. According to Robbins (building on the work of psychologists like Maslow and others), every human feels driven by six fundamental needs – certainty/safety, variety/uncertainty, Significance, love and connection, Growth, and contribution. We all value them, but we each prioritize them differently. This is where compatibility can either flourish or fail.
Two great people who prioritize different needs or poorly meet each other's needs in the relationship eventually fall apart, not because they don't care, but because different things fundamentally feed them.
If a person with the number one need for growth and a close second for significance will likely thrive in a relationship with someone who can meet and recognize them in their becoming and self-expression. Meanwhile, someone else who prioritizes certainty, love, and connection, as sweet and stable as they are, may feel like a drag.
And all this before we begin discussing HOW people fulfill these needs. Once we start discussing The How, we enter "values territory." Values and needs are often confused because they both influence behavior and decision-making. But they come from different layers of the psyche, and understanding the distinction helps you get to the heart of both personal motivation and relationship compatibility.
While needs are universal psychological/emotional drives, values are personal beliefs about what matters and why – honesty, integrity, independence, loyalty, etc.
Needs are what you can't live without.
Values are what you choose to live by.
Let's say your partner values fun, but your top need is emotional safety.
If they're always cracking jokes during serious conversations, it might feel like they're violating a core need, even if they might value connection just like you do.
At the same time, we frequently misunderstand that compatibility is similarity. So, if we like the same shows, like yoga, and eat the same diet, we must be compatible. Similar interests do help us find friendships and partners with whom we feel more comfortable, but again, the question is why we do what we do. If one person goes to yoga to get fit, the other to relax, they won't enjoy the same yoga class.
People misalign on interests like religion, financial management, politics, and parenting. These four cause a lot of fights and broken-up relationships. Yet, many friends and couples out there flourish despite these differences.
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula says, "Shared interests are nice. Shared values are essential."
Do you both care about honesty? Are you aligned on ambition, kindness, and how you treat people? Can you name your values—and do they show up in how you live, not just what you say?
This is where surface compatibility ends and real connection begins.
Compatibility is emotional fluency. Psychologist Dr. Marisa Franco, who studies friendships, writes:
"It's not about finding someone exactly like you. It's about finding someone who can understand you."
Understanding means:
Recognizing each other's needs (even when they're different).
Respecting boundaries and communication styles.
Being willing to meet in the middle, or take turns leading.
It applies to your best friend who processes emotions by retreating (while you word-vomit feelings in real-time), or your partner who needs a five-year plan while you're just trying to get through this week. Compatibility is how you navigate those differences, not pretend they don't exist.
Romantic or platonic attachment styles show up. Big time. (I’ve written about attachment styles before, so here's just a quick review.)
Secure folks tend to form more stable, responsive relationships.
Anxious folks might chase reassurance or overfunction emotionally.
Avoidant folks might pull away or fear dependence.
When you mix different styles, it's not inherently incompatible—but it often feels like walking through fog with a blindfold. You need tools, not just connection.
Compatibility here is: Can we work with our emotional patterns, or are we constantly triggering each other's worst instincts?
Whether you're building a relationship or a friendship that lasts, the signs are surprisingly universal:
You feel psychologically safe to be yourself, even in your messiest moments.
You both initiate and invest, not just one person always driving the connection.
You handle conflict with curiosity, not combat. You are a team!
You recover well from tension (repair, not just retreat).
You both support each other's growth, even if it means growing in different directions sometimes.
And maybe most underrated:
You can do nothing together. Comfortably.
Here's the best part. You don't always start compatible, but you most definitely can build it!
Sometimes, compatibility grows as you get to know each other, bump up against your differences, and choose to show up differently. It's forged in real-time, in the micro-decisions to ask instead of assume, to listen instead of defend, to apologize and repair instead of blame and retreat, to work for each other instead of compete, to empower each other instead of power over each other.
Friendships drift apart when we stop tending to them.
Romance fades when we stop learning about and from each other.
Compatibility dies when we stop trying to invest in each other.
But if both people are willing to do the work, compatibility becomes the blueprint for building a solid, flexible, deeply meaningful connection, one that holds joy, grief, growth, and the sheer weirdness of being human together.
Final Thought: Vibes Are Easy. Compatibility Is a Craft.
Whether it's your best friend or your forever person, you may win the compatibility lottery and find someone who just gets you right away, but if you choose to invest in each other over and over again, you may end up building a lifetime together.
It's not just vibes, it's the invisible architecture that keeps the whole thing standing.
Choose your people accordingly. Build with intention. And leave space for some joyful weirdness along the way.
Thanks for reading. Most of all, thank you for supporting my work with your paid subscription and donations through Buy Me A Coffee.
You ROCK!
V.
PS.
Coming up soon:
✈️🐾 Wanderlust with Paws: How I Traveled Europe with My Dog
🗓 Date: Sunday, May 18, 2025
🕓 Time: 4:00 PM Pacific / 7:00 PM Eastern
📍 Attend via Zoom OR In-Person (Morro Bay, CA area)
🎟 Registration:
$25 Early Bird (until 5/5/25 at 5:00 pm)
$30 General Admission (after that, until noon on May 18)
$35 At The Door (In-Person Only)
How to Register:
Send payment via PayPal (scan the QR code below)
Include your email in the PayPal notes.
After payment, you’ll receive an email with the Zoom link and/or in-person address.
Hand me cash/check when you see me in person.l
🌟 Online registration closes at 12:00 PM Pacific on Sunday, May 18.
😊Paid subscribers to Life Intelligence go FREE – just send me an email and I’ll send you the ZOOM link/Location info. No payment necessary. I appreciate you guys 😊
Space is limited! 🐾🌎
