Effective gripes communication

I-statements done right

May Life Intelligence smooth out your hump day 😊

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Back in the 1940s and 1950s, a prominent psychologist, Carl Rogers, developed communication techniques prioritizing empathy and self-expression. His client-centered therapy emphasized understanding the client's feelings without judgment and reflecting those feelings in a way that encouraged self-awareness and growth. Rogers believed people could express themselves more authentically when not judged or criticized.

While he didn't specifically "invent" I-statements, his approach to empathetic listening and fostering non-defensive dialogue laid the groundwork for many communication techniques we use today.

Later, Thomas Gordon, a student of Carl Rogers, popularized I-statements in the context of parent-child communication, as seen in his 1962 book, "Parent Effectiveness Training (PET)." He emphasized using I-statements to reduce conflict between parents and children by instructing parents to express their needs and feelings without blaming the child to promote healthier and more cooperative relationships. He contrasted I-statements with "You-statements," which can feel accusatory and lead to defensive reactions.

From these humble beginnings, I-statements became a staple in every family and couple's therapy office, non-violence communication workshops, educational and corporate trainings, and the subject of many chapters in books, articles, and online discussions.

A good idea catches on, I suppose. But bad implementation frequently squashes it. To use a dance analogy, salsa is a very sexy dance until your drunk uncle gets on the dancefloor and makes a mockery of himself, and everyone sits down, no longer feeling hot.

If you've never heard of I-statements, this post will teach you how to get what you want, like a communication ninja, not like a drunk uncle dancing salsa.

If you have heard of them but never used them because you think it takes too much brain power to construct an intelligent sentence asking for what you need, you can go back to shouting or keep reading to find out it's not that hard. After all, you do want your gripes resolved, don't you?

If you think you know how to do I-statements but never seem to de-escalate the issue, and it never works out for you, keep reading. You probably do I-statements wrong.

If I-statements are your Excaliber and you fancy yourself the King Arthur of communication, leave your comments and suggestions after reading this. We all want to hear from the best.

So, here we go…