How People Ruin Their Lives Without Noticing
Why we defend bad decisions, tolerate manipulation, and betray ourselves
I often read about and have worked with people in difficult marriages and challenging relationship situations. I always wonder how they got there. Things start out with enthusiasm and hope, but end up with drama and negative outcomes more often than the happy-ending movies would have us believe. It’s not like it’s never happened to me, though. So, I don’t want to judge. I want to explain.
You know about the boiling frog. The frog probably started by enjoying the water, but ignored that it was sitting in a pot. Not many good things can happen to a frog in a pot. So, frogs should avoid pots. That’s just basic frog wisdom.
What we can learn from frogs is to look around and pay attention to our surroundings and what we are about to jump into, because once you decide to do something, it is going to be really difficult to change your mind. You will defend and rationalize your decision, double down, get upset at any suggestion that you might be in a pot, and then suffer accordingly.
This is known as “escalation of commitment” or “commitment bias.” It’s a psychological phenomenon in which individuals (and even groups and organizations) continue to invest time, money, or effort in a failing course of action, driven by sunk costs, ego protection, and the desire to justify past decisions. They willingly, even diligently, ignore evidence of failure and continue to throw good resources after bad in hopes of a turnaround.
Sadly, most people are not aware of what escalation of commitment looks like in their own lives, how they double down, ignore facts, and stay the course. Most importantly, they may not realize how this psychological bias is causing grief and making them feel trapped and depressed. It may even lead them to retaliate in unskillful ways, misbehave, and cause more damage to themselves and those around them.
