How to deal with people who take things personally.

Part 2, following the It's Not About You post.

Valentina Petrova

Jul 5, 2021

If you have not seen It’s Not About You, read it HERE.
Keep an eye out for Part 3 of this series - What to do If You Are Someone Who Takes Things Personally.

Usually, people who take things personally refuse to admit it. They often project how they feel onto others, justify their emotional states, and make a mountain out of a molehill. They react to what they think is happening, not to what is happening. Meaning your perspective of the situation will be different from theirs. You may find yourself accused of saying or doing things that have never crossed your mind, guilt-tripped, and blamed for the way they feel. You may find yourself on the receiving end of condescending, sarcastic, and provocative remarks, passive-aggressive behavior, even violence.

Feeling confused, you may not know how to respond and what to do.

You can ignore strangers who take things personally, walk away and never see them again. But what about people close to you? People you work with, live with, and possibly depend on?

If you like to know what to do and how to handle people who take things personally, read on.

First, make sure you communicate clearly with someone you know to take things personally. Avoid “you” statements. Switch to “we” and neutral language, especially when discussing difficult subjects. Instead of saying “you have a problem,” try “what can we do together to improve/resolve, etc.” In the spirit of clarity, it’s better to explain yourself a little more than to economize. You can also preemptively address the person’s possible reactions. “I know this may sound critical, and I am sorry. I value you and what you contribute...” Start your explanations with “from my perspective” or “the way I understand it…” to avoid sounding accusatory.

If it sounds like you have to think ahead of how to express your thoughts, requests, and desires to someone taking things personally, you are correct. Yes, it is a lot of work! But it is less work than having a full-blown argument or escalate a situation to the point of no return. If this is a person you work or live with, you must remember the big picture. You can’t just piss them off and blow them off. You will need to interact with them in the future, and the least amount of friction between you, the better.

Consider the challenge a growth opportunity. Take an effective communication class or read up on it and grow your communication skills. It will help you in other situations too.

Second, know yourself, your worth, and pay attention to your emotional reactions. You may be fine around regular people but find yourself defensive and confused by an experienced, manipulative, overly sensitive person. Remember, they’ve had a lifetime to practice taking things personally. If you know who you are and your sensitivities, you can avoid confusion because you will know where your stuff ends and where their defensiveness begins. You will know if you truly caused the commotion or it was their over-reaction. If you made a mistake, apologize for it. If you didn’t, say you are sorry for how they feel, remind them of your intentions, and even repeat your request or rephrase your statement more clearly. Keep yourself calm and levelheaded. Don’t add fuel to their fire.

Do not apologize for anything you did not do. However, do seek to understand them and try to communicate your perspective. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. Let it go. Agree to disagree or discuss later.

Third, ask yourself if you want to be right or if you want to be happy. Sometimes, you may have to be right. Another time, you may choose happiness. Decide based on the circumstances, what’s at stake, and the players involved. You choose your friends. You don’t have to keep the company of overly sensitive drama queens. Keep your distance. Minimize interactions. When you do interact, take their reactions with a grain of salt. This is your practice not to take things personally.

A special variety of “taking things personally” is someone who, instead of becoming defensive, becomes condescending and sarcastic. They get triggered and seek to trigger you, consciously or not. They don’t defend themselves; they try to put you down instead, sometimes quietly, sometimes obnoxiously. It will surprise you and destabilize you if you don’t understand what is happening. If the person you are talking to is a know-it-all, they are likely to deploy this strategy more than any other. Offense is their best defense. Putting you down keeps them feeling superior when they feel inferior. If you don’t know your worth, your triggers, and your vulnerabilities, you will fall for this every time. You will feel awful, wrong, stupid, and misunderstood.

You handle these situations with cool logic. Answer not to the putdowns and the sarcasm. Pretend you didn’t even hear it. Stick to your story and line of reasoning, to your request, to whatever you are trying to get across. Ask your questions objectively and neutrally. Ask for specifics. If you don’t have to have the conversation at hand, just leave. Say, “let’s talk about this later when both of us have had more time to think about it,” then turn around and just leave. If the other person is at a place where they feel the need to put you down, you cannot expect them to collaborate, cooperate, and cocreate. Move on. Come back to the topic later if needed or forget about it. If this is someone close to you, consider talking to them about their reactions at a different time and see if they are interested in improving and learning how to communicate better. You may have to be patient with them. If this is someone random in your life, avoid them as much as possible, or at least avoid topics that trigger them if they are not necessary to discuss.

Forth, remember that those who take things personally suffer more than you know. They see the world through a warped victim lens. Have some compassion. You can’t imagine what it is like to walk around feeling the need to defend yourself all of the time. Be friendly, but mind your boundaries. Be grateful that you don’t carry the heavy burden of insecurities. Remember that you have your quarks too. Polish your communication skills. Watch your language. And if you can avoid someone like that, do! If someone like this has mistreated you, seek professional help.

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