It’s not you, it’s them

Narcissistic traits and strategies

This fascinating topic keeps getting more interesting. I hear people throw the “narcissist” label every which way, but how do you know if someone’s behavior truly rises to the definition? Right off the gate, let me tell you that very few people actually get the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) diagnosis, between 1% - 6% of the population, depending on the source. That’s most likely because such people would be the last ones to show up in a therapeutic setting and submit themselves to a personality evaluation. Even if they did, they wouldn’t believe it or do anything about it because they would never consider that something is wrong with them. Instead, the therapist will be blamed for misunderstandings and mislabeling them. It’s tricky that way.

Here’s a story.

A financially savvy, smart, but kind of insecure guy meets a girl well below his level who tells him everything he wants to hear. She tells him she likes the same activities as him and values the same things. When asked about her religious parents, she claims religion is not important to her. He admits to being an atheist.  She’s overweight but claims to be working on slimming down and making progress. She frequently posts selfies on social media in flattering outfits and well-done makeup. She agrees that marriage is not that important, and they move in together into her apartment, saving money.

A year later, suddenly, marriage becomes very important to her because of her religion, which is also very important to her and her family, so no more living together unless they marry. Against his family and friends’ advice, he goes along with it. Meanwhile, the neighbors complain about crazy loud fights, mostly her screaming at him. In public, they wear matching sweaters, and she’s all smiles, talking him up. Their social media is full of #bestwife and #besthusband posts. At home, she reads his text messages and monitors his social media account. He’s no longer allowed to go out with his single friends to social places where other singles could be. They mostly socialize with other couples. He slowly disappears from his previously vary social life. She gains twice her weight shortly after they marry.  She no longer participates in the activities she claimed she liked but hits the local bakery regularly while living a very sedentary lifestyle. She convinces him that they should move back to his rental property, which he is renting out for almost twice the mortgage and is way too big for two people, instead of continuing to rent a smaller place for less, thus impacting his cash flow and retirement plans. He’s forced to pay for a remodel because she doesn’t make nearly enough money to help out but wants the place to look new and show it off to her friends and family. She also dictates what should be done and how without considering what he likes. As a result, the house looks little like what he would have preferred. But now, her family has a place to stay for free while in town, and she calls herself “a homeowner” and frequently refers to their home as “my house.”

How can this all happen? Easily, if you marry a highly narcissistic person who manipulates you and usurps your voice and power.

One does not need the NPD diagnosis to exhibit the traits and behave accordingly, causing trouble for those around them anyway. Also, consider these traits to exist in a spectrum from non-existent to full-blown and everything in between. Interestingly, some argue that narcissistic behavior and traits develop as a protective mechanism in response to trauma and often go together with anxious attachment and avoidant attachment styles. That’s not to say that everyone with these attachment styles is narcissistic, but when that’s the case, the person becomes particularly toxic.

Let’s explore a few categories of narcissists out there, as well as their behavior and manipulation strategies. Hopefully, you’re not living with one of them now. If you are, you have my sympathy. Most people in relationships with narcissists find themselves disoriented, blame themselves, walk on eggshells, and worry that anything they do would set off an argument no matter how “normal” the doing is. They feel trapped, often isolated from their social circles, and somehow removed from the activities and interactions with others they used to have before the relationship. They may find their self-worth greatly diminished or experience constant power struggles in the relationship. At the same time, they may feel like the narcissist in their life is the best thing that happened to them and greatly admire them.

It may sound completely bonkers, but trust me if you’ve ever been with one, the web of deception they weave completely distorts your reality. So, listen up and try to avoid them poisonous apples. It’s easier than you think because once you know what to look for and wise up to their tricks, the narcissists will avoid you. You will no longer be a suitable victim. They gravitate toward whoever buys what they have to sell.

Even though the following are strategies and behaviors the different types of narcissists use to get what they want, remember that ALL of them use many of these strategies even though they might be more pronounced in one type than another.

The Grandiose/Classical Narcissists

Those are the pompous pricks out there. Usually male, but not always. Think of the garden variety of social media influencers peddling lavish lifestyles and fancy experiences or the person constantly boasting about their accomplishments, intellect, connections, and whatever they are doing at the moment. They peacock and always pull the limelight towards themselves. People with grandiose narcissism are the ones who come to mind when most of us think about narcissism. They're confident, have an inflated sense of importance, and crave admiration and attention. They can be charming and charismatic, which often helps them in leadership roles or in the spotlight. But this charm can and usually does quickly turn into arrogance.

Examples of Behavior:

• Dominance in Social Settings: They often take control of conversations and steer them toward their achievements and interests. Imagine someone at a party who dominates every conversation, name-drops famous people they've met, and seems to have an anecdote ready to one-up anyone else's story. They appear confident and unbothered by others' perceptions, even when their stories border on the unbelievable.

• Lack of Empathy: They might dismiss others' feelings or problems because they prioritize their own experiences. They can’t tolerate someone else getting attention even if that person is experiencing something negative and receiving sympathy from others.

• Manipulative Tactics: To maintain their superiority, they might use others to achieve their goals without concern for the repercussions on those people. They frequently exaggerate and often lie. They are ready to throw you under the bus to maintain their position. They easily change alliances.

Here's a closer look at how classical narcissists might behave in relationships:

Idealization Phase

• Love Bombing: At the beginning of a relationship, a classical narcissist might shower their partner with excessive affection, gifts, and compliments. This intense courtship is designed to captivate and charm the partner, securing their admiration and attention.

• Grand Gestures: They often make grand gestures to display their affection and superiority, both to their partner and to others. These gestures are not necessarily about making the partner happy but about reinforcing the narcissist’s own self-image.

• Future Faking: Making big plans for the future without the intention of following through. This builds a fantasy of a perfect life together, keeping the partner hooked on the relationship.

Devaluation Phase

• Criticism and Control: Once the initial idealization phase wears off, classical narcissists often begin to devalue their partners. This can manifest as criticism, controlling behaviors, and attempts to undermine their partner’s self-esteem and autonomy.

• Lack of Empathy: They show a notable lack of empathy towards their partner’s needs or feelings. If the partner is going through a tough time, the narcissist may dismiss or ignore their struggles because it does not serve their needs or interests.

• Manipulation: Narcissists are known for manipulating their partners to maintain the upper hand in the relationship. This can include gaslighting, where the narcissist denies their own problematic behaviors and makes their partner question their sanity or perceptions.

• Cheating and infidelity: Their need for admiration and validation can lead them to seek attention outside the relationship. Cheating or emotional affairs may occur, not just for sexual gratification, but as a way to feed their ego. They feel entitled to whatever they want, so why not help themselves in this department, too? When discovered, they lie about it, minimize it, promise not to do it, and go for it again. They are the classical serial cheaters and suave adulterers.  

• Withdrawal: When not actively seeking admiration or control, classical narcissists may emotionally withdraw from the relationship, showing little interest in their partner’s life, thoughts, or feelings unless it pertains directly to them.

Ending Relationships

• Discarding: Narcissists may abruptly end relationships when they no longer serve their needs or when they've found a new source of admiration. This can be devastating for their partner, especially after the intense idealization phase.

• Hoovering: Even after a breakup, narcissists might attempt to "hoover" their ex-partner back into the relationship with sweet talk and promises of change, especially if they sense their ex-partner is moving on or if they need something from them.

The Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist

Covert narcissists present a facade of humility or self-deprecation but are just as self-centered as their grandiose counterparts. They often feel overlooked and resent others' successes. Covert narcissists feel special and resentful of not being recognized as such. They are often sensitive to criticism and harbor envy towards others.

Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can be particularly challenging because their issues are less visible and more insidious. Their partners might struggle with feelings of being unappreciated, lonely, and emotionally drained, yet find it difficult to pinpoint the source of these feelings due to the covert narcissist's subtle manipulation and victim stance. Recognizing these patterns can be the first step toward addressing the issues in the relationship or seeking help.

Behavior Example: Playing the victim in situations to garner sympathy and manipulate others into giving them what they want. They are great guilt-trippers! In combination with an anxious attachment style, these people cause a lot of drama and confusion because they portray themselves as vulnerable, generous, and nice, but it’s actually a self-serving ploy.

Imagine a coworker who constantly complains about being undervalued or overlooked for promotions, implying they're more deserving than others, perceiving it as personal criticism, and sulking or withdrawing to garner sympathy and attention.

• Overreaction to Feedback: Covert narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism or even mild feedback. In a relationship, they might perceive any constructive criticism as an attack or betrayal, responding with withdrawal or disproportionate emotional reactions.

• Victim Mentality: They often see themselves as the perpetual victim, misunderstood and mistreated by the world. This victim's stance can be manipulative, aiming to garner sympathy and attention from their partner and to justify their own shortcomings or failures.

• Passive-Aggressiveness: Instead of direct confrontation or open expression of needs, covert narcissists may resort to passive-aggressive behaviors. This can include sulking, silent treatment, backhanded remarks, or subtly undermining their partner's achievements and happiness.

• Craving Admiration, Subtly: While they might not overtly demand attention and admiration like their grandiose counterparts, covert narcissists are still driven by a need for validation. They may fish for compliments or set up situations where they hope to be praised or pitied.

• Withholding Affection: Covert narcissists may withdraw affection or become emotionally distant as a form of punishment or control. This withdrawal often stems from their feelings of insecurity and fear of vulnerability but leaves their partner feeling confused and neglected.

• Undermining the Relationship: Their deep-seated insecurities and jealousy can lead them to sabotage moments of happiness or accomplishment in the relationship. They might downplay their partner's successes or become moody and withdrawn during times of celebration.

• Clinginess and Dependency: Despite their emotional withdrawal, covert narcissists may exhibit clinginess or dependency on their partner. This paradoxical behavior reflects their internal conflict between needing validation and fearing rejection or abandonment.

• Lack of Deep Connection: The lack of empathy and self-absorption characteristic of narcissism makes it difficult for covert narcissists to form deep, meaningful connections. Partners may feel a sense of emotional distance and dissatisfaction in the relationship as if their needs and desires are consistently sidelined. AND yet, they will blame their partners for not providing connection and for being withdrawn… so, yeah, projecting!

The Communal Narcissist

Communal narcissists focus on presenting themselves as altruistic and benevolent, using their "good deeds" to seek admiration and validation.

Think of someone who volunteers for every charity event not to help but to make sure everyone sees them doing it. They're quick to post photos and stories of their philanthropy on social media, fishing for compliments and praise while privately showing little genuine empathy or interest in the causes they support.

The Malignant Narcissist

Malignant narcissists exhibit traits that are more aggressive and often overlap with antisocial behavior. They can be vindictive, deceitful, and even enjoy causing others distress.

This is an individual who spreads harmful rumors or lies about colleagues to undermine them, taking pleasure in watching their reputations suffer. They may engage in manipulative games to assert dominance and control, showing little remorse for the emotional or professional damage they cause.

The Neglectful Narcissist

Neglectful narcissists are characterized by emotional detachment and a lack of responsiveness to the needs of others, especially in close relationships.

An example is a partner who forgets significant dates (e.g., anniversaries, birthdays) not out of forgetfulness but from a fundamental disinterest in acknowledging their partner's importance. They rarely initiate contact or conversations about emotional well-being, making their partners feel undervalued and invisible.

Yes, there’s a cross-over between these five types as life and human personalities are pretty messy. But you get the idea. Also, there are some common manipulation strategies they all use, such as:

• Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique used to make someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. Narcissists might deny things they've said or done, dismiss the other person's feelings as overreactions, or label them as "crazy" to undermine their confidence in their own judgment. There’s even a movie by this name. Watch it. It’s captivating and very accurate.

Example: If a person confronts the narcissist about a hurtful comment, the narcissist might deny ever saying it, accusing the other person of making it up or misremembering.

• Recruiting others: That’s a complex variation of the gaslighting strategy where a narcissist acts amazingly well towards you in front of your friends and family, but as soon as you go home, they turn into someone different, start ridiculous fights, and accuse you of things you didn’t do. This way, if you ever approach your friends with any complaints, they simply tell you, “You are so lucky to have this person in your life.” This contributes to feeling disoriented and alone.

Example: At a party, your partner is all love, charm, and compliments, holding your coat and talking you up to others. As soon as you leave the party, they stonewall you or criticize your appearance, make fun of you for something you did, accuse you of flirting with someone at the party, or embarrassing them in some way, even turning it into a fight and blaming you for ruining a perfectly great night.

• Isolation: Narcissists often try to isolate their victims from friends, family, and other support systems. This can be achieved by monopolizing their time, criticizing their loved ones, or outright forbidding contact with others. Narcissists want to control everything their partner does, have access to their text messages and monitor social media accounts. They may even resort to feigning illness or some other kind of necessity to prevent a partner from going somewhere else.

Example: The narcissist might insist that their partner's friends are bad influences or that family members don't truly want what's best for them, encouraging them to cut ties.

• Triangulation: Triangulation involves bringing a third person into the dynamics of the relationship, whether real or fabricated, to create jealousy, insecurity, and competition. This can make the victim feel less secure and more dependent on the narcissist's approval.

Example: The narcissist might mention how someone else is more understanding or attractive, implicitly comparing and devaluing their partner.

• Financial Control: Gaining control over the victim's financial resources is a common tactic, making it difficult for them to leave the relationship. This might involve managing their salaries, placing debts in their name, or preventing them from working. They could demand to monitor their partner’s spending asking for receipts and explanations.

Example: The narcissist demands control over bank accounts and credit cards, making all financial decisions without input or informing their partner, beating down their partner until they agree to whatever the narcissists wants, financially.

• Threats and Intimidation: In some cases, narcissists may resort to threats and intimidation to keep their victims in line. This can range from subtle threats of abandonment to more overt threats against the victim or even themselves.

Example: The narcissist might threaten to leave, harm themselves, or even harm the victim if they don't comply with their wishes.

In conclusion

Recognizing these traits and tactics is the first step in seeking help and extricating yourself from the control of a narcissist. It's crucial to seek support from friends, family, or professionals who can provide guidance and assistance in breaking free from these unhealthy dynamics. Sometimes, just talking to a friend and getting the outside perspective of your relationship can help you recalibrate your reality and see the dysfunctionality and control you’ve been living with.

Again, remember, your narcissist may be a collection of these traits and may not neatly fit into a particular category. Simply ask yourself these questions:

1. Does the person in question have genuine empathy?

2. Is the person behaving consistently in public and in private settings?

3. How do they really make you feel? Are you usually in the wrong, blamed, and feeling controlled?

4. Are the decisions you make today out of need to appease the other person?

5. Are you less social, enjoying less of your friends and hobbies now compared to before?

6. Are you disoriented and confused about things in your relationship and taking the blame for it?

7. Do you feel forced to say and act in a certain way, and to make decisions you otherwise wouldn’t make?

Living with a narcissist, whether they display grandiose or covert traits, can be an incredibly challenging and often bewildering experience. The complex dynamics introduced by narcissistic behavior patterns profoundly impact one's sense of self, emotional well-being, and overall quality of life.

Life with a narcissist is often marked by a rollercoaster of emotions. The highs of their affection and attention can feel incredibly validating, but the lows of their criticism, neglect, or emotional manipulation can induce significant stress, anxiety, and even depression. This constant emotional turmoil leaves individuals feeling unstable, drained, and unsure of their own reality.

Narcissists often engage in behaviors that undermine their partner's confidence. Over time, continual criticism, blaming, comparison to others, and dismissal of achievements, and attention and validation seeking behaviors erode self-esteem, leading individuals to question their worth and abilities.

Many narcissists isolate their partners from friends, family, and other support networks, either directly or through subtle manipulation. This isolation can make it difficult for individuals to maintain a sense of independence, seek help, or even recognize the unhealthy dynamics of their relationship.

The complexity of emotions, along with the potential financial or social dependence created in these relationships, can make it challenging for individuals to leave a narcissistic partner. Furthermore, the narcissist's charm and moments of affection can create a cycle of hope and disappointment, complicating decisions to leave.

For those finding themselves in a relationship with a narcissist, several strategies can help manage the situation if you can’t leave. I get it. Not everyone can leave a relationship for whatever reason. Or at least not immediately.

• Seek Support: Lean on friends, family, or professionals who can offer perspective, support, and guidance.

• Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your limits and stick to them. This can be difficult but is crucial for maintaining your well-being. From my perspective – good luck!

• Educate Yourself: Understanding narcissism empowers you to recognize manipulation tactics and protect your interests.

• Self-Care: Prioritize your own mental and emotional health through activities that strengthen your sense of self and well-being.

• Consider Professional Help: Therapy, especially with someone experienced in dealing with narcissistic behaviors, can provide valuable tools for coping and decision-making.

Ultimately, living with a narcissist may require making tough decisions about the future of the relationship. Remember, everyone deserves a relationship based on mutual respect, empathy, and understanding. Even if you feel duped into your relationship with a narcissist, you can undupe yourself. We all make mistakes. That’s not the biggest mistake. Perpetuating a mistake is the biggest mistake.

Yours is a deeply personal journey, and there's no one-size-fits-all answer, but hopefully, reading this got your thinking, especially if you’ve been feeling that something may be off in your relationship.

Share your experiences in the comments or let me know if you want me to delve deeper into a specific area.