It's midnight. You've been in bed for a couple of hours, but your brain hasn't noticed because it's been busy replaying a scene in which you could've said or done something different and saved face, your job, your relationship. Nighttime seems like the perfect time to ruminate, but it is not the only time.
Driving, you miss a turn because you pay more attention to the stream of consciousness in your head about a past event than to where you're going. At lunch with friends, you can't stop airing your grievances about how unfairly someone treated you. 30 years at the therapist's office, you still vividly rehash details of your upbringing, past relationship hurts, and feel sorry for yourself while angry at someone or something from the past.
Trauma and drama frequently go hand in hand and give us plenty to gripe about and to work with as we aspire to be free of grief, anger, and reactivity. To be clear, I do not take trauma lightly. I've seen people overcome incredible circumstances and admire them for their courage and resourcefulness.
And I've seen many more who seem stuck in an identity largely shaped and fortified by their story of the past, the way old European palaces preserve and display the worn-out clothing of the royalty who once inhabited them. As fancy as these outfits once used to be, they now look uncomfortable and outdated.
And yet many of us wear our old identities the same way.. Rumination can reinforce the idea that this is who I am: the abandoned child, the betrayed spouse, the overlooked employee. Letting go helps us drop the thoughts and loosen our grip on the stories we've told about ourselves.