The Sex Question
Two writers explore desire, sex, and connection in intimate relationships
This is a bonus free post and a little different. Here’s something you might have missed:
“Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togethah today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dweam! And wove, twoo wove, will fowow you forevah…”
So, proclaims the priest in the famous Princess Bride scene. And it does, until it doesn’t. And frequently, it doesn’t. Because twoo wove takes more work and usually looks much different from a fairytale wedding ceremony. Too many people these days mistake wedding planning for life planning with another human, along with all their hang-ups, weird habits, and slew of relatives.
As far as stats go, the success of Mawage looks like a coin flip, with fewer second and third marriages making it past the 5th year. I, personally, would not consider starting a business with these kinds of odds. And yet, every day, people jump into this kind of joint venture without real clarity and practically no contingency plans.
Why then would anyone pretend to be surprised that so many people suffer the dissolution of Mawage? More interesting to me is the question of why so many women feel such relief when it finally ends, as they embark on a path that’s no longer “less traveled.”
We now have an increasing cohort of ex-wives who leave their husbands to grow and transform on their own terms. Empowered, good earners, and independent, they seem less attached to that dweam wifin a dweam, and perfectly happy to create their own reality.
I “met” Cindy, a fellow writer who explores these concepts, and over time, we engaged in some interesting conversations. So, we decided to ask three questions we hear most from clients and readers from our individual perspectives.
We do not align on these, but this only demonstrates the complexity of the environment and the variety of the viewpoints within it, as it should. As the question each woman (and man) asks themselves when evaluating their situation, although possibly common, still triggers unique responses, as no two marriages are the same. No two people are the same. No two lives are the same.
How would you answer these questions? Have you had to? Are you currently struggling with them?
CDT = Cindy DiTiberio
VP = me, Val
How important is sexual compatibility compared to emotional compatibility in a lasting relationship?
CDT: I guess the question is, are you monogamous? If you are monogamous, then sexual compatibility is probably pretty important if sex is a high priority for you. If you both don’t have a high sex drive and sex isn’t a primary way you stay connected, it would be less important. But is sexual compatibility what you like in bed? Or how much you want to have sex?
Do you know that I’ve never really considered emotional compatibility? But now that I’ve googled it, I think this is more important than sexual compatibility because how you feel seen and heard and nurtured in your relationship seems to come down to emotional compatibility and without it, what are you even doing in a relationship?
I think for a relationship to last you need both. In other words, if one person really values sex and the other person doesn’t, that’s going to be an issue in your relationship that doesn’t go away. And if you don’t feel emotionally supported in your relationship, again, what are you even doing in a relationship with that person?
This is one of the challenges with long-term relationships and the structure of marriage. I believe we are made to grow and evolve as humans. Therefore, what we need from a relationship or what we want from a sexual relationship is prone to change. If two people can grow and change and adjust together, the relationship can last. But often, the changes lead to a couple who were once compatible no longer being compatible. That is not the fault of either individual but just what happens when humans change and evolve.
VP: I’d say, sexual compatibility matters a lot, regardless of your relationship structure. Yes, there are committed relationships out there that right off the bat do not include any kind of sexual interaction, but that’s a very tiny percentage of the population. Interestingly, I’ve seen many relationships that only still exist because the sex is good. People are willing to put up with all sorts of toxic behavior and even joke about working out their differences in the bedroom, and having make-up sex. Sadly, if they are still together when they get older, and their body parts don’t work anymore, I see them in my office complaining about having a shitty marriage.
Emotional compatibility will carry a relationship through ups and downs. People like feeling cared for, considered, prioritized, seen, heard, not just given orgasms. Emotional compatibility keeps people together, and it helps them enjoy their relationship outside of the bedroom and long after the sex drive is gone.
It shouldn’t be an either-or question at all. How would you like to have to choose between eating and drinking? That’s how it is with sexual and emotional compatibility. You need both. A relationship can’t survive on one alone. It gets a little tricky when partners mistake emotional safety for erotic compatibility. They are related, but they are not the same thing. Emotional safety builds trust, creates stability and predictability, and provides security. Eroticism sources from novelty, likes to live on the edge, and sometimes ventures outside of comfort zones. It needs playfulness, fantasy, tension, unpredictability. So, basically, emotional compatibility has to balance just right with sexual compatibility.
Assuming partners are physically healthy, when sex fades in marriage, is it usually about attraction or about resentment, complacency, or emotional distance?
CDT: I think it is about the structures inherent in a marriage which stifle eroticism. Domesticity and cohabitation leave very little room for mystery, as Esther Perel says.
Celeste Davis has written the treatise on this but patriarchal sex is not sex that many women enjoy. So many wives find they do not desire sex with their partner but then leave said marriages and discover a whole new interest in sex. I don’t think sex as maintenance is appealing for women, something they should do as part of the marriage contract no matter how much desire they feel. Emily Nagoski has a section in her book Come Together about how we have emotional floorplans in our brains with different rooms and that it is all about what leads you to eroticism. And much of our daily lives as partners and parents require being in rooms that are not adjacent to that space.I definitely don’t think it is about attraction, I think it is about the conditions of our lives and what makes sexual desire bloom and what makes it die.
VP: The answer is YES. Yep. All of it. Resentment is a powerful force. It shows up in all sorts of ways, from passive-aggressive behavior to trying to one-up your partner, to power struggles, to withholding sex, and in a million other ways.
If complacency can kill your houseplants, it definitely can kill your sex life with your partner. Eroticism and long-term desire require intentionality, not just compatibility. I forgot who said that foreplay begins as soon as the last orgasm ends. It means eroticism needs constant tending. But it’s fun, so I don’t understand why people choose complacency instead. I can understand resentment from unresolved problems and never-ending nagging and ongoing conflicts, or from the imbalance in the relationship, but for the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone would choose that over touching their partner 1000 times a day, smiling, flirting, and being playful with them.
As for emotional distancing, well, dah, what do you think resentment is? It’s emotional distancing. But so is lying, hiding things from your partner, being selfish, communicating like a toddler, treating them like a toddler, micromanaging them, assuming you know everything about them, losing curiosity about them, and putting yourself first all the time, to name a few reasons people end up emotionally distant. None of these are compatible with an awesome sex life with your partner.
I’ve got no issues with open relationships, swinging, and all sorts of adult ways to stay sexually alive, explore, and enjoy yourself. But no matter what you do with others out there, it may still not change what you do with your primary partner and how you relate to them at home.
If sexual needs aren’t met in marriage, what is the responsibility of each partner?
CDT: I think there needs to be a renegotiation of terms. I don’t think one person should be responsible for another’s sexual fulfillment which is one of the reasons I am no longer a proponent of marriage. I think we change as we age and our bodies change and our desires change. So if someone’s needs aren’t being met, I wish we had more avenues to support couples who want to explore polyamory. I have shared in this post from The Marriage Diaries three marriages where they opened the marriage. One woman realized after being married she was asexual and she was thrilled when they opened their marriage and she no longer had to have sex she didn’t want. For another, they just weren’t compatible as lovers but remain married as platonic partners until the kids are grown (or these terms no longer feel manageable). But I think for many people, because marriage is still so closely tied to monogamy and fidelity, it is hard to imagine being married with new terms of sexual freedom.
I think often relationships run their courses and no one’s needs are being met the way they were in the beginning. At this point, we should be able to name time of death. Oops, this isn’t working anymore, is it? You deserve to have your emotional needs met and it looks like I’m not able to meet them the way you need. I deserve to have my sexual needs met and it appears you no longer have the desire to do so. I totally understand and don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to! Let’s figure out how to mutually and respectfully part ways.
But of course marriage, because it is a legally binding contract tied to all those promises you made at the altar, is much harder to unravel. We are told to try and make it work! And thus people’s needs aren’t being met and we make it a personal failing or try and fix it via therapy instead of just naming that the relationship should end.
VP: Yep, definitely a renegotiation of the relationship. Clients come to me saying, “My wife doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore.” I usually ask, “Would you want to have sex with you if you were your spouse? Why would you and why wouldn’t you?” A guy once said, “I don’t find my wife attractive anymore.” Looking at him, I asked, “Do you think she finds you attractive?” It’s easy to project the problems onto the other person, but nothing will change until both partners have a heart-to-heart conversation about the state of their relationship and figure out what to do together.
A marriage is a contractual relationship between two people about living together. It’s not a sex slave contract. No one should expect sex from their partners, no matter when, no matter how. Sex is something you share together, not something you demand. And unless it’s fun for both of you, it’s going to fizzle out eventually. So, if you want it, don’t demand it. Create and maintain the environment for your partner to want it too. That’s not the same as bribing them with flowers and chocolates once a year. If you make them feel obligated, they’ll want it even less. Go back and read that emotional compatibility section again. Get creative on top of it, without pressuring the other person.
You will need to change things about yourself just as much as your partner will have to change things about themselves. Get busy. If, for some reason, your partner has decided they are done with sex altogether, it’s their right to make that decision. But it is not their right to stop YOU from having that experience forever. So, that’s when the terms of your relationship most definitely need to change.
I know people who’ve been married for longer than I’ve been alive and are still having sex. Yep, in their 80s. It may not look or feel like what they did in their twenties, but they’ve kept the flame going. It means it’s possible, should two people choose to. If they don’t, then they need to talk to each other and figure out how to navigate the challenge, what they allow each other to do, and what’s fair.
I hope you enjoyed this two-perspective conversation.
You may also enjoy these articles by Cindy:
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