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I am making October a free-read month, so all the posts I publish over the next 4 weeks will be open to all.
On a sunny, pleasant Fall day, Jennifer was sitting in my office recounting the dreary and unpleasant experiences of living with a very confusing man she claimed to love more than anyone ever. He is kind, she said. Gave her money once when she was desperate to pay her bills after losing her job. Her family thought he was a charming Boy Scout type.
âHandsome. Canât forget the handsome,â she said, describing his radiant smile and how put-together he always is. Great sex, too. When it happens. Because he turns her down many-a-times, but pushes through when she doesnât feel like it.
At the same time, he somehow always manages to make her feel inadequate. Around him, she feels ugly. She can never do anything right. She keeps her voice down, worried she is bothering him. He frequently seems irritated when they talk, belittles her ideas, and minimizes her concerns. Once, he refused to stand next to her at a party because she made him look bad.
He apparently has a female âjust friendâ from work. They like getting together for drinks at a bar on the way home once or twice per week but never invite her. Once he kept texting someone for an hour, ignoring her completely like she wasnât in the room. When she asked him who he was texting, he called her paranoid and controlling. When he doesnât come home until early mornings after a bar night, he claims he drank too much and had to sit it out for a couple of hours before he could drive home safely. Surely, she doesnât want him crashing and killing someone on the road. She tells me sheâs offered to pick him up. All he has to do is call her. But he never does.
She can put up with everything, she said, but heâs started physically pushing her around. They had an argument about something he accused her of doing, but she did not remember doing it. The more she defended herself, the louder he got, calling her names, until he pushed her against the wall. She yelled at him to stop. He did, apologized, and told her he never wanted to hurt her, but that she shouldnât have driven him so mad.
After that argument, they agreed that she has a problem and needs to seek some help, or their relationship is doomed. She found me. I didnât like what I was hearing. But this is not the first time Iâve heard a variation of this theme.
On average, it takes a victim several times to leave a narcissist for good, and that is after realizing what is happening to them. Many people in relationships with narcissists stay for a lifetime, or until someone gets badly hurt and the other person goes to jail. The majority endure these harmful relationships for far too long.
Once you begin to sense that something is wrong with your relationship, resist the urge to prove that your partner is a narcissist in order to decide the relationship is unacceptable. When you look at what actually happens in your relationship â humiliation, control, repeated boundary violations, fear of disagreeing with them, organizing your life around theirs and their reactions, the gaslighting, and the emotional or even physical abuse â judge it by the way it is affecting you. The label you give the other person does not matter. Your quality of life, safety, and the way they treat you do.
Ask yourself: if, when you first met this person, you had known the relationship would be the way it has been for you, would you have still chosen to be with that person? If your answer is no, then you should not be with them now either. On the other hand, if the relationship stayed exactly the same as it is now, would you still keep choosing it? Would you choose this kind of relationship for your good friends, your kids, or your parents? If not for them, why are you choosing it for yourself?
Once you decide to leave, assess what would be a safe way to end the relationship. Narcissists hate losing control and will likely not take kindly to your decision. If they have a violent history, your physical safety could be at stake. If they are the vulnerable type, your decision may send them into pleading mode, crying, and even manufacturing a crisis to keep you there. Somewhere in the emotional storm, they will find a way to trigger guilt, sympathy, and fear. You will be reminded that without them, you are nothing and that no one will care about you as much as they do. So, expect a few arrows into your self-esteem.
If you are financially dependent or your finances are intertwined, you might find yourself cut off from resources, or your joint accounts drained. What if you own a house or a business together? Narcissistic people can be very legally combative and vindictive. They will fight you in court, badmouth you to anyone within earshot, and even stalk you. So, consider the type of person you are trying to leave, how they usually overreact when challenged or denied, and prepare for that reaction to escalate.
Make an exit plan after your safety assessment. This plan should include safe people, resources, and the specific preparation you need to do before you break the news to them. Some victims go to the police and report years of abuse. Others run to a safe house. For some, things get unpleasant but still pretty civilized and adult.
You need to have a financial plan and a physical transition plan with as many details as possible. Where would you live? What do you need from the other person, if anything? How will you support yourself? If you have children together, you also need to think about what parenting would look like after you separate. Donât forget the pets!
You will need emotional support from trusted friends. You may need family resources. You may even need medical care. So, before you go, line up all your options and create a strategy. If you donât, you are likely to feel less confident and capable, and more likely to waver in your resolve or return to the narcissistic person if you canât make it on your own.
Trust me when I tell you that going back to a narcissistic person is akin to falling off the wagon when you are trying to kick a substance abuse habit. You will have a few moments of telling yourself that youâre going to be OK and everything will be different this time because you know how to handle them. The narcissistic person can even show you a good time temporarily. They may welcome you back, make promises they donât intend to keep, and help you get re-invested in the relationship. But sooner rather than later, you will see the same behavior you tried to escape reappear.
Self-blame will kick in next, as you ask yourself what is wrong with you for having fallen into the same situation again. Followed by depression. Accompanied by possibly escalating bad behavior on their part, as they mistreat you worse because they feel empowered by your retreat.
Understandably, you will wish for a final conversation in which the other person finally acknowledges the harm, understands your decision, and releases you without blame. While this is natural for you, it will be unnatural for the narcissistic person you want to leave. It may or may not come. If it comes, it is unlikely to be what you really hope to hear. It will more likely be some form of an excuse mixed with victim-blaming, rationalization, and as little acceptance of accountability as possible. Your departure shouldnât depend on their understanding and approval of your decision. You do what you need to do.
This means deciding to end a relationship without âwinningâ an argument about whose account is correct and whose fault it is. Keep that separate from practical obligations and logistics that still require resolution.
As empowering as leaving is, you also need to prepare for the feelings that come after. There will be times when you need emotional support when you miss the person. You may remember the good times, feel guilty, or start to doubt your decision. You may feel lonely. Sadly, love for an abusive partner can persist, including when apologies and promises renew hope. Since the narcissistic pattern is to hoover after you leave, you may be getting just the kind of attention you wished you were getting while in the relationship and mistake the hoovering and renewed love bombing for an actual change.
Remind yourself that if they can treat you well now but didnât before, it means they chose to mistreat you. If they chose to mistreat you before, they are likely to do it again as soon as they get you under their control.
Life might feel challenging on your own, and you may feel unprepared to meet these challenges. Plan who you can turn to when doubts arise and what ongoing practical support you will need. There are groups for narcissistic survivors to share their experiences and support each other. You may need therapy to process the emotional experiences. You may need to change your location temporarily or permanently because you want to avoid bumping into the other person in public, or to escape the fallout of the lies they spread about you post-separation.
Where abuse is present, safety planning also continues after separation. Many victims feel the worst of their narcissistic exesâ traits after theyâve left them. Many women have been killed by their resentful and vengeful violent ex-partners. This is a real concern, not a hypothetical, when dealing with an abusive partner.
Every personâs situation is different, even when the concerns are similar. So, every post-separation plan will look different. Having a plan and support will help you greatly to successfully navigate the separation process with a narcissistic partner and to thrive on your own.
Jennifer had not yet grasped the gravity of her situation when she came to see me. But in the sessions that followed, she slowly came to understand that she needed to set strong boundaries and defend them. She began seeing her Boy Scout partner differently and realized she no longer wanted to live in confusion. She did not want to feel small and inferior. She did have personal power and was capable of a lot more than he gave her credit for. The more she stood up for herself, the more combative he became.
Eventually, she felt strong enough and went into the bar where her partner was supposedly meeting his âjust friendâ for drinks that night. They were nowhere to be seen. She grabbed a table in the corner, watching the door. After a while, she texted him a friendly âHowâs it going at the bar?â message: âCan I come have a drink with you guys?â As usual, he declined and told her heâd be home in an hour or so. She went home, but he didnât show up until the early morning hours.
At this point, she knew he was having an affair. From her perspective, it only added insult to injury. She was fed up with the relationship as it was. Then, shortly after, he left his iPad at home during a supposed work trip. He mustâve forgotten that his phone was syncing with his iPad. All the text messages with his âjust friendâ started popping up on it in real time. Suddenly, she was privy to everything they were doing and planning, and none of it was just friends. She took screenshots.
When he got back from his trip, she calmly asked him about the other woman. As usual, he denied any involvement, called her paranoid, and told her that he would never cheat on her, despite how undeserving she was of his loyalty. He told her that anyone in his place would definitely cheat on her because they would not have the patience. He told her she was lucky to have him.
Thatâs when she made her plan to leave. It took a few months to put things in place and to get organized. She did everything quietly while skirting around him and pretending that everything was normal. He was apparently completely taken aback when, one day at work, she texted him all the screenshots from the iPad with a final note: âIâll be gone when you get home.â
In her case, he literally stopped communicating with her. She left before he was due home. He never asked her where she was going or what she would be doing. He turned to a complete stranger the moment she called him on his lies. After that, they communicated only through their attorneys. It took two years to completely disentangle their lives. She thought sheâd never see him again.
But as soon as the divorce was finalized, she bumped into him at one of her regular coffee shops. He flashed that beautiful smile at her. Greeted her warmly and complimented her on her changed appearance. He asked if he could call her for coffee or lunch to catch up, seemingly apologizing. It sounded to her like he was attempting to take some responsibility for his actions. He told her, âI have been thinking a lot about our relationship.â
But Jennifer remembered seeing this behavior from him before whenever he messed up. She also remembered that it always only led to a temporary reprieve, followed by more of the same disrespect, accusations, put-downs, and gaslighting.
She told him there was nothing to talk about anymore and wished him the best. Relaying the story to me, she beamed with pride in her actions and follow-through. She was a different person than the one who walked into my office three years before. I was proud of her too because I knew the challenges she faced processing her attachments to him, dealing with his silence, and his every effort to stall the divorce, delay, and minimize financial responsibilities as she struggled to make ends meet.
At a later check-in, she told me he had sent flowers to her workplace and left cute notes on her windshield. He somehow turned up at a restaurant where she was having dinner with a date. He had called her mom to say hello and how much he missed her family. He had told common friends that she cheated on him and left him when he found out, but that he would take her back any time.
Jennifer held her ground. He eventually faded away. She slowly strengthened her self-trust and self-reliance muscles and described herself as coming out of the shell heâd forced her into.
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