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Onward to today’s topic.
I consider myself intelligent. Therefore, I am not going to admit how many red flags I’ve ignored in my relationships. I just don’t want to embarrass myself. The truth is, if I hadn’t ignored any, I never would’ve gotten married and probably never would have dated half the dudes I’ve dated.
As the saying goes, good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. So, by now, I’ve got lots of experience. My judgment seems to have gotten better over the years, and I have become a lot more single as a result.
All that better judgment and experience led me to realize that recognizing red flags is only half the story. The other half is actually taking them seriously and avoiding the tricks your mind plays to recolor the flags.
“I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it,” said Alice in Wonderland, crying in the dark. “That explains the trouble I am always in.” And when it comes to relationships, that trouble is stuck on repeat. We keep re-living the same themes with different people.
Caleb Flynn was an American Idol contestant who ended up in jail for killing his wife to be with his girlfriend. This guy was a music pastor with a picture-perfect life on social media, married for over 15 years with two young daughters, and earning over a quarter of a million dollars as a salesman at his father-in-law’s business.
But the character I am most interested in in this story is the mistress. She was about 16 years his junior. They met singing at the Christian Life Center, where she was studying to be a worship leader like Caleb. He latched on to her, first as friends. Then, as lovers. Then as his emotional support animal, telling her how much he hated his wife and how, if there was a way to get rid of her without going to jail, he would.
According to reports, these are the things he was telling his mistress multiple times a month. But somehow, she still wanted to be with him and, for a couple of years, chose him despite:
Red flag #1 - the guy is married.
Red flag #2 - he’s lying, cheating, and sneaking around.
Red flag #3 - he’s hateful, badmouths his wife, and even wants to kill her
Red flag #4 - he’s selfish; he wants the job, money, status, and the mistress.
Red flag #5 - he’s breaking his Christian vows.
Dr. Phill used to say, “If he can do it with you, he can do it to you.” She testified that she knew the affair was wrong and did not morally justify it. She also testified that, toward the end, she told Flynn she did not trust him and wanted to move on. She stated in court that she now hates him.
But how did she - young, intelligent, college graduate- even allow herself to get mixed up with him?