Last week’s post was about “adulting,” which isn't what most people think it is.
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An interesting, increasingly common theme has been emerging in the last few years - the theme of women initiating divorce that rarely has anything to do with infidelity (the main reason for divorces in the past). So, what’s making middle-aged women walk out on their husbands and long-term relationships?
I’ve listened to female clients telling me how night after night they hold space for their partners to vent about their day, work, and whatever is on their minds, but almost never get asked about theirs. When they do and end up sharing, they feel patronized, their concerns dismissed or minimized, or the conversation quickly pivots back to what their partner wants to talk about.
I hear about their boring sex lives, and how they feel obligated to deliver on demand while also being asked to lose weight, dress better, do a better job with the kids and the household. In other words, be everything, do everything, and be a sex goddess. They don’t understand how their men expect sexual enthusiasm while treating them this way outside the bedroom.
They share about postponed dreams that increasingly look like will never happen because they can’t seem to fit them into their lives as they are. They talk about resentment over helping their men advance professionally while having to curb their own ambitions. Some husbands apparently object to not being the main breadwinner or their wives holding higher-status jobs. Sadly, one of the ways they compensate for their perceived inadequacy is through bullying and emotional abuse.
Society stereotypes middle-aged women as “older” (read “undesirable”) and moody, and attributes our changing attitudes towards our partners to the handywork of off-balance hormones in menopause. As if to say that women can’t know their own minds without estrogen and are foolish to leave at this age because who’s going to like them after.
The truth is that many women feel more empowered than ever to be who they are, and sometimes their guys and relationships get in the way. Before you judge, consider the following.
Men usually say they feel fine in a marriage. Their wives take care of the kids. The house is clean. They get home-cooked meals. Their clothes may even be laid out for them in the morning. They benefit from their wives’ emotional support. They feel accomplished because they can focus on their careers and show off their nice families.
But many women find the arrangement burdensome and unfair. Some succeed in dragging their husbands to couples therapy to try to fix things. Others seek support from other women in their shoes, other family members, and friends. Ultimately, they feel that they are also responsible for fixing the marital problems on their own. Finding no success, they start contemplating divorce, and when they finally bring it up, the husbands usually say that they are surprised.
My take is that men are surprised at their wives’ divorce declarations because, after a while of trying to improve the marriage, women often stop even asking for what they need. They get tired of being ignored, not prioritized, and talking to a wall. They stop initiating relationship discussions because they lose faith that they’ll make a difference.
They withdraw. From their partner’s perspective, there is no conflict, so everything must be fine.
Previously limited by financial constraints, women had to be what was expected of them or be destitute, struggle, and suffer in a man’s world. Now, many are more educated than their men and earn more. The incentive to follow in their mothers’ footsteps has lessened, and many were raised by their mothers to avoid that fate. They favor independence and self-sufficiency over putting up with what their mothers did.
So, from the women’s perspective, especially women with grown kids, single life sounds so much better. No dirty socks to pick up. No need to be someone’s resident therapist, stroke their ego, coax them through the to-do list, and watch them sit on the couch drinking a beer while yelling at the TV. Single also means she can enjoy hobbies and pursue her interests instead of managing her partner’s schedule and emotions.
It means less friction and less stress.
Women are more socially connected, so a night out with the girlfriends at some point seems a lot more appealing than date night with the husband with a built-in expectation of boring sex. She can wake up when she wants to. She can spend all the time in the bathroom she needs to and will find the toilet seat down! She doesn’t have to rush home to make dinner. She doesn’t have to ask him if she can go out for the night. And she doesn’t have to split the holidays between her family and his.
The Walkaway Wives
Interestingly, many of these newly divorced women don’t talk about getting into another relationship for a while. When they do, they are really picky. They no longer want to be the only one doing the heavy cognitive lifting of managing conflicts, starting difficult conversations, anticipating relationship needs, and researching solutions. They are looking for a partner who shares the load, redefining compatibility in a whole new way.
Not every woman can leave a marriage or long-term relationship as soon as she wants. Some are stuck for various reasons, but that mental and emotional checking out, withdrawal, and eventually leaving is what we call “walkaway wives.” They stop investing emotional effort, communication, or energy while keeping the household and legal status intact until they find a way out.
By mid-life, a lot changes for a woman. Children need less daily care, making the couple’s relationship more visible and its issues more salient. There’s less time left ahead than behind, so there’s also a sense of urgency not to waste any in an unfulfilling, unhappy situation. They feel more able to support themselves.
But the most interesting change has to do with how she sees herself. She begins questioning an identity built around being accommodating, useful, or endlessly patient. So, she starts to question whether she can bear the cost of another 10 years with the same partner.
I am not saying that these husbands don’t necessarily love their wives. A husband may sincerely love his wife, value their history, and feel devastated by her departure. She may nevertheless experience the relationship as lonely, unequal, or unresponsive and leave because, no matter how much effort she’s put into changing that, the results of her efforts don’t warrant staying, from her perspective.
The Last Straw
There’s usually a “last straw” moment for the wife. It might be him getting home all flustered about something that happened at work and dumping all of that frustration on her when she has something personally important to share but gets no chance to do it. It could be that, in a time of need for her, health-wise or emotionally, he’s too busy or tells her, “You can do it!” encouraging her but also leaving her alone to deal with it. It could be that one last time she asks for something and is ignored. For every woman, the last straw is a different story.
It does not have to be a big event, and often, it is not. It is an ordinary moment, the last in a long chain of moments stretching years back. Its significance is that it changes her interpretation of the future, and she realizes she can’t expect change. It’s that moment that nails the relationship’s coffin shut.
These women realize that there is a price to pay for leaving, but that price is more acceptable to them than the cost of staying. The financial costs alone are substantial in research on divorce after 50. One U.S. longitudinal study estimated a 45% decline in women’s standard of living. Some find themselves in the peculiar situation of having to pay their husbands alimony and share financial assets because they earned more and owned the assets.
They leave anyway. To them, freedom is worth every penny.
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