You Explain Yourself But Still Feel Misunderstood

What to do instead.

In the 2021 interview with Oprah Winfrey, Meghan Markle described feeling unsupported and struggling with mental health while in the royal family - an institution not exactly thrilled that Prince Henry was marrying a divorced outsider.

Meghan described feeling suicidal while pregnant, asked for help from senior palace officials, but was told it wouldn’t be good for the institution. But instead of ending her answer there, she overexplained, detailing whom she approached, the structural constraints, and why HR existed but wasn’t technically for family members, and how the hierarchy worked.

From a fairness standpoint, it made sense. She was trying to be accurate and to clarify. But rhetorically, this overexplaining shifted the focus away from her personal crisis.

Then she dropped another bomb - the royal family’s concern and conversations over Archie’s skin color. Again, she followed up with more clarifications. Harry added context. Oprah clarified off-camera that the Queen and Prince Philip were not involved. More interviews added more details. With each clarification meant to tighten the story, the debate widened.

In the end, she lost more credibility with people in the UK who found her claims unbelievable, as the British media dissected her story every which way, looking for inconsistencies and amplifying them.

This happens to all of us. Not getting married into a royal family, but definitely overexplaining and getting frustrated with the responses we get. Here we are, doing our best to clarify and not leave important details, yet still end up feeling misunderstood or watching the conversation go off on a tangent.

So, what gives? Why are we doing this, and why isn’t it working out the way we think it should? How can we do better?

Why People Overexplain

Overexplaining is a protective mechanism in psychology known as the “fawn response,” aka “people pleasing.” It is considered an overadaptation, in which an individual provides excessive detail to avoid being perceived as a “bad person” or to avoid conflict.

If you are intelligent, thoughtful, and empathetic, you also likely see multiple perspectives in the situation, you want to be fair, and you want to preempt objections. This, layered on top of childhood trauma-related insecurities and learned people-pleasing behavior, makes you a chronic overexplainer.

Many overexplainers grew up in environments where their feelings, thoughts, or actions were questioned, ignored, or dismissed. If a person was frequently blamed, punished, or made to feel at fault as a child, they may have learned to provide exhaustive explanations to defend themselves and justify their actions to feel safe. If love or approval were conditional on being “perfect,” “well-behaved,” or understood, one might over-explain to ensure acceptance.

Even growing up with unpredictable or volatile parents can lead a child to become hyper-vigilant, overexplaining to control situations and prevent anger or conflict. If a person has a history of being gaslit (having their reality denied), they may overexplain to create a concrete, un-distortable record of their words and intentions.

As an overexplainer, when you ask for something, you instinctively try to balance everything at once. You may feel anxious, and your mind may be racing under the pressure to get it right, to make sense, and to protect yourself and the other person’s feelings by softening your requests and responses.

However, overexplaining comes out as too many words and details, too long, and even confusing to the other person, whose brain is trying to distil your main point and requests. By the time you’re finished, you’ve built a whole essay instead of a sentence, and they might’ve gotten lost along the way or completely tuned you out, thinking of what they want to say to you.

Also, the more explanation you provide, the more places the conversation can go. If the other person is a manipulator, it gives them ample ammunition to hijack the focus in a direction of their choice.

This is exactly the paradox of over-explaining: you add information to make yourself clearer, but too much information makes the message easier to challenge and re-direct, leaving you feeling misunderstood and frustrated.

Women are more likely to overexplain themselves, particularly in professional and high-stakes settings, often as a result of social conditioning and a need to ensure they are heard or taken seriously. This behavior is generally not about a lack of confidence, but rather a coping mechanism against being dismissed, interrupted, or misconstrued. Ironically, it backfires as it is perceived as an insecurity or lack of confidence.

Many men overexplain to maintain a façade of being “the expert in the room,” fearing that not knowing something makes them look weak. They use “report talk,” which focuses on transmitting information, establishing status, and solving problems. It also backfires as they are perceived as “know-it-alls.”

Five Situations Where People Overexplain The Most

1. Saying No. This is the classic one. Most people find it really difficult to say “No” without justification. The intention is kindness, but the effect is that the other person hears uncertainty or a problem that needs solving and keeps pushing.

Case in point - my mom trying to get out of a meeting she doesn’t want to go to. Her friend invited her to hang out with another lady, my mom dislikes “because she drinks a lot.” My mom said yes, and for the last two days she’s been talking about not wanting to go. Today is the day. It’s raining out. My mom called her friend, offering a long-winded explanation of how the humidity hurts her bones, so she can’t go. So, her friend just changed the date to “accommodate” my mother.

2. Asking for What You Need. Requests often turn into speeches because we’re trying to prove the request is reasonable. We explain the background, the circumstances, the emotional context, and the logic behind the request.

But the more explanation we add, the easier it becomes for the listener to debate the reasoning instead of responding to the request.

3. Addressing Hurt Feelings. This is where many people begin apologizing for their own emotions. They soften the message before it’s even delivered and minimize their feelings before they even state them.

4. Setting Boundaries. Boundaries trigger over-explaining because we fear being perceived as selfish or unreasonable, and because, despite needing the boundary, we also need approval and to be liked. So we build a case and present evidence. We walk the other person through our thought process. Meanwhile, they just want to know if you will or won’t do something.

5. Ending or Redefining Relationships. This is the hardest situation for most people. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a professional dynamic, people often try to soften the impact by explaining everything that led to the decision. Ironically, the extra explanation can create confusion and reopen negotiations. Clarity may feel uncomfortable in the moment, but it prevents long, exhausting conversations that never actually resolve the issue.

If you recognize yourself here, fear not. I recommend four things you can do to solve your tendency to overexplain. I’ve also put together a Hard Conversation Scripts Pack with examples on how to say “no,” ask for what you need, handle pushback and defensiveness, and respond to accusations without over-explaining.

Paid subscribers can access it below.
Free readers can purchase it HERE.

Four Things To Do Instead Of Overexplaining And Get Results.

Recognizing the habit is the easy part. Changing how you respond in real conversations is harder.

Fear not! You absolutely can replace the overexplaining habit and get better results communicating. Here is how.