Love, Duty, and the Weight of Care
Sickness and relationship dynamics
Last week’s post on what keeps us stuck even after understanding ourselves:
Jane’s husband survived a heart attack at 37. She says everyone around them assumed everything was fine now. In many ways, the crisis was over. But it didn’t feel over for her at home. She felt exhausted, serving as his caretaker and providing emotional support, coordinating his appointments, running the household, caring for the children, and still working.
She admits to feeling like running on empty and, at the same time, guilty for complaining or asking for time to herself. Meanwhile, her husband was not the man he used to be. Dependent, vulnerable, and mostly depressed, he spent his days withdrawn in his own world. Still haunted by the fear of another heart attack, he felt his stomach tighten and his heart race whenever he was alone, but he ground his teeth and kept it to himself, ashamed to admit how frightened he was.
A medical emergency is not necessary for one spouse to become the other’s caretaker. Sometimes, people just age differently. Not everyone has the means to hire help, or the good fortune to have family around to share the burden. Frequently, older couples prefer to age in place. But aging in place is not necessarily the easiest on the caretaker.
No matter how people end up in a caretaking situation, they usually struggle with shifting relationship dynamics and the renegotiation of roles and responsibilities. They become like Roman Riders on two horses - the one saddled with logistics, and the other with psychological unease, galloping through their new reality while trying not to fall down and make things worse.