The Hidden Lever
What keeps us stuck even after understanding ourselves
Did you catch the last article?
I doubt there’s anyone left in this country, or on this planet for that matter, who hasn’t heard of “limiting beliefs,” “childhood trauma,” or the relationship between our upbringing and our current life experiences. In other words, therapists and anyone who’s ever read a self-help book know to look for clues in our past.
Yet knowing why we get stuck in unhelpful, unhealthy behavior and relationships is not the same as why we remain stuck even when we have the self-knowledge and intellectual understanding we need to move on.
I observe clients, friends, family, and people in general: after a year, two, or ten of therapy, working on themselves, reading and following expert advice, and gaining insight, many still struggle with the same emotional challenges. In many cases, they cycle in and out of “doing better” and “not again.”
For example, a man in his 50’s has been holding a grudge against his mother for leaving him with his dad when he was a schoolboy. No amount of talking it over with her and listening to her reasons and apologies, no amount of help and support she’s gifted him for decades since, no amount of therapy has actually made any difference except in superficial ways. His relationship with her remains tainted by resentment and blame, even though he understands intellectually what he is doing emotionally to her and to himself. An easy explanation would be to say that this dynamic and being the victim are now part of his identity. But what if he does not wish to be this way and has been trying for years to get over his resentment? What if he’s tried to reframe, understand, and empathize with her, and still the lever of resentment refuses to budge while the dynamic continues to hurt both of them?
Many people want change. They understand how they got to where they are. Yet change rarely comes. That suggests something important: insight, by itself, is not the lever that moves human behavior. Something else is holding the system in place.
