Last week, I discussed what it’s like to grow up with narcissistic parents, and how narcissistic moms and dads treat their boys and girls differently. Next week, I will tell you what works to protect yourself from being taken advantage of by a narcissistic person.
In Narcissistic Abuse Part 1, I brought up the vulnerable/covert narcissist. I said they are tricky to spot because they are not the pompous, self-aggrandizing, life-of-the-party, arrogant boss types. They sneak up on you, get you invested, and then they consume all of you and install all of themselves in you. They are also really hard to leave because they are amazing guilt-trippers and empathy-provokers.
We are used to thinking of psychopaths as predators. But all psychopaths are narcissists first and foremost, even though not all narcissists are psychopaths. So, if some of the behaviors I describe here sound very psychopathic, it’s because that’s why! A highly narcissistic person can be just as dangerous and just as predatory, too.
Especially interesting are the differences between male and female narcissists, so yes, I’ll go over that, too. Once again, let me remind you that we all have some narcissistic characteristics and behave badly once in a while. But what you’re looking for is a pattern and frequency of behavior, as well as clusters of these characteristics. A one-off, a bad day, a moment of frustration in a genuinely compassionate, empathetic, good person is not the same as the rotten soul of a vulnerable narcissist, almost entirely self-absorbed, lacking empathy, and causing constant drama.
Interestingly, this type of person may already be in your life as a friend, married to a relative, or a co-worker. You may not even know it because you are not with them as much as an intimate partner would be, and because you may not have had a reason or an opportunity to disagree with them or to somehow represent a threat to them from their perspective. So, from your perspective, they will seem nice, friendly, and approachable, perhaps a little socially awkward or socially anxious, but generally just fine.
But after you finish reading this, you will be able to spot red flags. Even if you don’t live with one of them, you should still be careful how much you invest your time and energy in them, especially if you are the “fixer” type. Remember, plenty of those people are out there, statistically speaking. So, if you have not been affected by one yet, that does not mean you can avoid them forever. You need to know how to protect yourself from them, and hopefully avoid marrying one if you can’t avoid working with one.