What to do about rude people

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I can’t decide if the pandemic made people extra rude or just contributed to a trend. After all, a huge percentage of the population interacts more with technology than they do with people. We depend on computerized aids for everything. Are we forgetting how to be human? Or are we so strung out that we no longer have five extra seconds to be gracious, thoughtful, and friendly?

For sure, social interactions are driven by complex mechanisms – personal characteristics, environmental/contextual conditions, and prior experiences. But still, the mechanisms were at play for people of all times. They have had their challenges, too. I admit not knowing how previous generations saw the changes in their social interactions compared to how things used to be from their perspective.

A friend shared a story about someone at the gym asking the yoga teacher why she was talking about core strength if she had a little pooch. Whaaat???

Recently, I’ve had the strange experience of working with someone on a team who found it acceptable to bully the rest of the members, call them names, threaten, harass them, and lash out in anger. I say it in the past tense because I got him to resign after putting the issue to remove him from his position to a vote.

Pushy people are everywhere. Impatience is the new “hello.” I had someone honk at me while I waited for her to go at a Stop sign because she had the right of way!

This study says that trolling has become the acceptable norm on social media,

Over two-thirds of American 25–34-year-olds (64%) have engaged in trolling online (defined as leaving intentionally offensive messages or insulting someone on purpose online)

MIT says rudeness is affecting the workplace, too,

The vast majority of employees experience rudeness at work. In one study, 98% of employees reported being insulted, interrupted, ignored, or treated rudely in various other ways.

I am sure we all have plenty of “can you believe it” stories. Sometimes they are amusing. But sometimes they are frustrating and concerning because the rude people are too close to us.

So, what to do with rude, inconsiderate people?

Avoid them! Hahahaha. Don’t invite them over. Don’t go where they are, if you can help it. Ignore them on social media. Ignore their texts and emails. But if you find yourself stuck in a situation and you can’t simply avoid the person or ignore them because they are your boss, significant other, a relative, or someone you depend on for something, like the person on the other side of the service counter, there are things you can do to keep your cool and remain undisturbed.

Here’s what I do.

1)     To every nasty remark, I have one of equal or worse quality to return… but ONLY IN MY HEAD. If that lady with the belly fat said the same to me, I would have “told her,” “Since your spare tire is three times mine, I hope you were taking notes when I was talking about core strength.” It feels kind of good to be bad… as long as it is just in my head. I wouldn’t actually say this. But it will bring a smile to my face because the sarcastic person inside of me needs some gratification, while the smarter, more socially adept person inside of me knows that nothing good can come from this. So, I’ll say, “Yah, I’ve been working on my core strength and couldn’t wait to share what I’ve learned with all my students. It’s an ongoing process for sure! Thank you for attending my class.”

This is sort of along the lines of when you stab your toe, if you say “ouch” you feel better, and it doesn’t hurt as much. The only difference is you scream in your head.

2)     Know thyself. Nothing people say to you can hurt you if there is no button to press. So, working on yourself, your insecurities, growing your skillset, learning about triggers you have, improving your communication style and conflict resolution skills, etc. give you a sense of self that’s independent of what bullies and rude people have to say about you. Your reactivity goes way down! You immediately realize, “It’s not me. It’s them,” and remain calm, doing what you need to do to get through the situation in the most productive way.

3)     Of course, you need mindfulness! It’s what helps me have fun in my head with a bully but act appropriately to resolve the situation in the most positive way, keeping a lid on a possible escalation, and remaining unharmed by the rude actions of others.  Mindfulness is easy to learn, and it is the gift that keeps on giving. If you are not mindful, you’re mindless… in an emotional kind of way.

4)     Give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps, they are having a bad day. Perhaps, they don’t realize what they are doing or saying. Some people mean well but have a terrible presentation for whatever reason. Other times there are cultural differences. So, try to see things from their perspective. Ask things like,

What did you mean to say when you said _____?
I am not sure I understand what you are implying. Can you clarify for me what you mean?
Where are you coming from? /Where is this coming from?  (My most favorite questions)
Why would you do this? What is your intention/goal?
How would you feel if I said/did this to you instead? How would you like to be treated?

5)     Set boundaries. That’s when you let others know what types of behavior you won’t tolerate AND what the consequences of their actions will be if they trespass all over your boundaries. The thing about boundaries is that you must defend them like a border patrol guard. No ifs, and, or buts. Period. Once you let someone disrespect your boundary, they will keep doing it. You can say things like, “I am sorry, I have a hard time with situations where others yell at me. If that’s what you want to do, I am going to my office/the other room/on a walk/etc. until our emotions calm down enough for us to actually converse. Let’s have this talk later.”

People sending you work text messages on your private phone during your day off? Don’t answer them. Or if you do, text back, “Please, email me, or talk to me about this when I am back in the office working. I do not respond to work messages on my private line. Thank you for understanding.”

You get the point. Boundaries!

6)     Lead by example. Be nice. Be cooperative, respectful, and thoughtful. Smile. It’s the best way to de-escalate a contentious, emotional situation.

7)     Stay focused on the task/project/topic. Don’t let things digress into irrelevant territory. Do your part to move things along in a productive and efficient way.

8)     Keep records of reoccurring bully-type, menacing interactions, just in case that person begins to escalate their behavior and becomes a threat to your safety. You can always get the police involved, or whatever the appropriate authorities are in your case.

Hope this was helpful. I hope you don’t have to deal with any such people in your life, but the odds are pretty good that it will happen.

What is your experience with rude people, and how do you deal with them?

Thank you for reading.

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Yours truly,

V.