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I canāt decide if the pandemic made people extra rude or just contributed to a trend. After all, a huge percentage of the population interacts more with technology than they do with people. We depend on computerized aids for everything. Are we forgetting how to be human? Or are we so strung out that we no longer have five extra seconds to be gracious, thoughtful, and friendly?
For sure, social interactions are driven by complex mechanisms ā personal characteristics, environmental/contextual conditions, and prior experiences. But still, the mechanisms were at play for people of all times. They have had their challenges, too. I admit not knowing how previous generations saw the changes in their social interactions compared to how things used to be from their perspective.
A friend shared a story about someone at the gym asking the yoga teacher why she was talking about core strength if she had a little pooch. Whaaat???
Recently, Iāve had the strange experience of working with someone on a team who found it acceptable to bully the rest of the members, call them names, threaten, harass them, and lash out in anger. I say it in the past tense because I got him to resign after putting the issue to remove him from his position to a vote.
Pushy people are everywhere. Impatience is the new āhello.ā I had someone honk at me while I waited for her to go at a Stop sign because she had the right of way!
This study says that trolling has become the acceptable norm on social media,
Over two-thirds of American 25ā34-year-olds (64%) have engaged in trolling online (defined as leaving intentionally offensive messages or insulting someone on purpose online)
MIT says rudeness is affecting the workplace, too,
The vast majority of employees experience rudeness at work. In one study, 98% of employees reported being insulted, interrupted, ignored, or treated rudely in various other ways.
I am sure we all have plenty of ācan you believe itā stories. Sometimes they are amusing. But sometimes they are frustrating and concerning because the rude people are too close to us.
So, what to do with rude, inconsiderate people?
Avoid them! Hahahaha. Donāt invite them over. Donāt go where they are, if you can help it. Ignore them on social media. Ignore their texts and emails. But if you find yourself stuck in a situation and you canāt simply avoid the person or ignore them because they are your boss, significant other, a relative, or someone you depend on for something, like the person on the other side of the service counter, there are things you can do to keep your cool and remain undisturbed.
Hereās what I do.
1)Ā Ā Ā Ā To every nasty remark, I have one of equal or worse quality to returnā¦ but ONLY IN MY HEAD. If that lady with the belly fat said the same to me, I would have ātold her,ā āSince your spare tire is three times mine, I hope you were taking notes when I was talking about core strength.ā It feels kind of good to be badā¦ as long as it is just in my head. I wouldnāt actually say this. But it will bring a smile to my face because the sarcastic person inside of me needs some gratification, while the smarter, more socially adept person inside of me knows that nothing good can come from this. So, Iāll say, āYah, Iāve been working on my core strength and couldnāt wait to share what Iāve learned with all my students. Itās an ongoing process for sure! Thank you for attending my class.ā
This is sort of along the lines of when you stab your toe, if you say āouchā you feel better, and it doesnāt hurt as much. The only difference is you scream in your head.
2)Ā Ā Ā Ā Know thyself. Nothing people say to you can hurt you if there is no button to press. So, working on yourself, your insecurities, growing your skillset, learning about triggers you have, improving your communication style and conflict resolution skills, etc. give you a sense of self thatās independent of what bullies and rude people have to say about you. Your reactivity goes way down! You immediately realize, āItās not me. Itās them,ā and remain calm, doing what you need to do to get through the situation in the most productive way.
3)Ā Ā Ā Ā Of course, you need mindfulness! Itās what helps me have fun in my head with a bully but act appropriately to resolve the situation in the most positive way, keeping a lid on a possible escalation, and remaining unharmed by the rude actions of others. Ā Mindfulness is easy to learn, and it is the gift that keeps on giving. If you are not mindful, youāre mindlessā¦ in an emotional kind of way.
4)Ā Ā Ā Ā Give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps, they are having a bad day. Perhaps, they donāt realize what they are doing or saying. Some people mean well but have a terrible presentation for whatever reason. Other times there are cultural differences. So, try to see things from their perspective. Ask things like,
What did you mean to say when you said _____?
I am not sure I understand what you are implying. Can you clarify for me what you mean?
Where are you coming from? /Where is this coming from?Ā (My most favorite questions)
Why would you do this? What is your intention/goal?
How would you feel if I said/did this to you instead? How would you like to be treated?
5)Ā Ā Ā Ā Set boundaries. Thatās when you let others know what types of behavior you wonāt tolerate AND what the consequences of their actions will be if they trespass all over your boundaries. The thing about boundaries is that you must defend them like a border patrol guard. No ifs, and, or buts. Period. Once you let someone disrespect your boundary, they will keep doing it. You can say things like, āI am sorry, I have a hard time with situations where others yell at me. If thatās what you want to do, I am going to my office/the other room/on a walk/etc. until our emotions calm down enough for us to actually converse. Letās have this talk later.ā
People sending you work text messages on your private phone during your day off? Donāt answer them. Or if you do, text back, āPlease, email me, or talk to me about this when I am back in the office working. I do not respond to work messages on my private line. Thank you for understanding.ā
You get the point. Boundaries!
6)Ā Ā Ā Ā Lead by example. Be nice. Be cooperative, respectful, and thoughtful. Smile. Itās the best way to de-escalate a contentious, emotional situation.
7)Ā Ā Ā Ā Stay focused on the task/project/topic. Donāt let things digress into irrelevant territory. Do your part to move things along in a productive and efficient way.
8)Ā Ā Ā Ā Keep records of reoccurring bully-type, menacing interactions, just in case that person begins to escalate their behavior and becomes a threat to your safety. You can always get the police involved, or whatever the appropriate authorities are in your case.
Hope this was helpful. I hope you donāt have to deal with any such people in your life, but the odds are pretty good that it will happen.
What is your experience with rude people, and how do you deal with them?
Thank you for reading.
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Yours truly,
V.
you picked a provocative subject, I do think the pandemic made folks anonymous, and thereby rude folks became ruder and nasty, can't count the times I was told I was stupid to be wearing a mask, by a complete stranger. Some folks are rude and entitled, they can block the road to go to Farmers Mkt. cut in front of the line because they are special, you were lucky the person didn't know the right of way., I have seen people just blow through a stop sign. In my head I ask are they stupid or entitled then in my head I call them a name, since they share our planet your suggestions are good ones...because it is not going to change anytime soon
I, quite recently, lost my cool on a social media platform when I was accused of being a racist and discriminatory, when in actuality I was defending the race in question. Iāve known the particular person to be over reactive online and took the bait anyway. Part frustration and part feeling the need to defend myself. I know that arguing on the internet is a lost cause and a waste of time but I did it anyway. I wasnāt mean or rude but did tell this person that I was offended and disgusted by her comment in regards to me. Shame on her. I didnāt even feel better after scolding her. I knew it would fall on deaf ears because she had already made up her mind about me. We live in a small community and I do care about how people perceive me and how they view me morally and ethically. Since the scuffle I havenāt been back to check the comments in the thread and I deleted the app. NextDoor is a comparable to looking deep into the abyss and I want no part of the posturing and negativity. Hopefully, with everyoneās short attention span they will have already moved on to newer and more interesting drama.