Excellent analysis Valentina! Makes so much sense. Self negation in a misplaced bid to be good is a recipe for resentment which then lives as a shadow triggering the worst within us. Thanks for doing this. I’ll share in my post next week. ❤️
100% about unspoken boundaries, the suppressed feeling function. Her persona forces her to act magnanimously (agreeably) according to some vision of perfection she and/or her culture expect of her (some version of the highest “good”). This is why people that always seem good and perfect and nice are often so incredibly unstable or even dangerous (not to mention fake, persona does mean “mask” after all). However confident and one sided the persona, so too will be the shadow which balances it out in the unconscious. This is where her soul resides, abused, denied genuine feelings and the actions to back them up (boundaries, like no exes cohabitating!). Resentment builds up in the unconscious, otherwise it gets handled, ahem, because we are conscious of it. Feeling resentment is just another shadow quality, something not allowed, something bad and wrong, in the world of a people pleaser. So the shadow pressure builds and builds. The people pleaser, codependent, shoves it all under the rug, agreeableness is all that’s allowed. She kills Onkar because he’s the one she loves (aka has an immense emotional investment in). She kills him by way of a shadow eruption, triggered by an insult, and no doubt later feels extreme remorse, can’t imagine what drove her to do such a drastic thing.
People pleasing is an old adaptive survival strategy, usually from childhood, which no longer functions in a way that benefits the life of the person acting it out. It’s incredibly hard to break these patterns, often causing anxiety at a level that a non-pleaser can’t imagine. Boundary setting is the key, although determining boundaries can be nearly as difficult as communicating them. The devalued feeling function has to be restored to working order, and frequently used to gradually rebuild inward trust. This can be a long refurbishment process. Finally setting the boundaries means rehearsing conversations, standing up to the worst case possible outcome (rejection, argument, being labeled a disagreeable stick in the mud). Sometimes boundaries need to be set with the written word, if a person can’t yet keep their balance and say all they need to say while facing the party in question. It’s a process of feeling what’s right, deciding to act on this despite the consequences, and maintaining enough courage to stay this course over time. Self respect is what’s being recovered here, authenticity, the freedom to live a life where more options are available. The perfectionism of a pleaser has a core of inflation (actually a negative inflation), an overly strong and frankly totally unreasonable (by objective standards) devaluation of inner judgements (think of it like reverse narcissism). Acting this inner belief out in the world over decades makes this inner devaluation all the more “true” by way of always deferring to external authorities. Shadow integration is the long road out of these dark woods.
It is the traitor, real or perceived, who kindles one's wrath, even more than a full-on enemy. Trust is, after all, the most fulsome investment anyone can make. It is doubly painful, when that investment is flushed down the toilet.
On the matter of relationships, I am low maintenance. Penny was medium, on that scale, so we found common ground and made it all work. In terms of platonic relationships with people, since her passing, I have seen fit to cut off three very high maintenance people, whose chronic, incessant demands for attention-in one case including financial support, drove me nuts. In answer to the popular Reddit thing- I am not the a**hole.
Excellent analysis Valentina! Makes so much sense. Self negation in a misplaced bid to be good is a recipe for resentment which then lives as a shadow triggering the worst within us. Thanks for doing this. I’ll share in my post next week. ❤️
You started it! LOL
100% about unspoken boundaries, the suppressed feeling function. Her persona forces her to act magnanimously (agreeably) according to some vision of perfection she and/or her culture expect of her (some version of the highest “good”). This is why people that always seem good and perfect and nice are often so incredibly unstable or even dangerous (not to mention fake, persona does mean “mask” after all). However confident and one sided the persona, so too will be the shadow which balances it out in the unconscious. This is where her soul resides, abused, denied genuine feelings and the actions to back them up (boundaries, like no exes cohabitating!). Resentment builds up in the unconscious, otherwise it gets handled, ahem, because we are conscious of it. Feeling resentment is just another shadow quality, something not allowed, something bad and wrong, in the world of a people pleaser. So the shadow pressure builds and builds. The people pleaser, codependent, shoves it all under the rug, agreeableness is all that’s allowed. She kills Onkar because he’s the one she loves (aka has an immense emotional investment in). She kills him by way of a shadow eruption, triggered by an insult, and no doubt later feels extreme remorse, can’t imagine what drove her to do such a drastic thing.
People pleasing is an old adaptive survival strategy, usually from childhood, which no longer functions in a way that benefits the life of the person acting it out. It’s incredibly hard to break these patterns, often causing anxiety at a level that a non-pleaser can’t imagine. Boundary setting is the key, although determining boundaries can be nearly as difficult as communicating them. The devalued feeling function has to be restored to working order, and frequently used to gradually rebuild inward trust. This can be a long refurbishment process. Finally setting the boundaries means rehearsing conversations, standing up to the worst case possible outcome (rejection, argument, being labeled a disagreeable stick in the mud). Sometimes boundaries need to be set with the written word, if a person can’t yet keep their balance and say all they need to say while facing the party in question. It’s a process of feeling what’s right, deciding to act on this despite the consequences, and maintaining enough courage to stay this course over time. Self respect is what’s being recovered here, authenticity, the freedom to live a life where more options are available. The perfectionism of a pleaser has a core of inflation (actually a negative inflation), an overly strong and frankly totally unreasonable (by objective standards) devaluation of inner judgements (think of it like reverse narcissism). Acting this inner belief out in the world over decades makes this inner devaluation all the more “true” by way of always deferring to external authorities. Shadow integration is the long road out of these dark woods.
Well said. Thank you for sharing.
It is the traitor, real or perceived, who kindles one's wrath, even more than a full-on enemy. Trust is, after all, the most fulsome investment anyone can make. It is doubly painful, when that investment is flushed down the toilet.
On the matter of relationships, I am low maintenance. Penny was medium, on that scale, so we found common ground and made it all work. In terms of platonic relationships with people, since her passing, I have seen fit to cut off three very high maintenance people, whose chronic, incessant demands for attention-in one case including financial support, drove me nuts. In answer to the popular Reddit thing- I am not the a**hole.