Why we want what we want

And the mess we've created in relationships

Hi. I am doing things a little differently this week. Since this ended up being a little longer exploration of a topic (why we want what we want) within a particular context (relationships), I am skipping the extras I usually throw in, like the Food For Thought or the Mixed Salad sections.

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I write this post under the influence of a book I've been reading on the imitative nature of desire, according to the philosophy of Rene Girard as understood by Luke Burgis. At the same time, I've been revisiting some old notes and exploring new podcasts on relationships and the state of affairs in the dating world. I always like to hear from different people and perspectives, even when they rub me the wrong way.

And some people do rub me the wrong way. In such encounters, I remind myself, "When triggered, ask why and go find the trigger within." I preach personal emotional responsibility, so I can't just yell at someone if they piss me off. I must find out why this is my reaction. Is it justified? Is it because I am encountering an uncomfortable truth?

I recently had one such experience with an online personality. He made the point that the reason for the decline of the West, socially speaking, is young women who have bought into the woke ideology that men are evil and interact with men on a strictly transactional level, essentially "prostituting" themselves. Further, he said that ever more ambitious women displace men in high-status jobs, then complain that they can't find suitable partners to raise a family. Finally, he criticized a 56-years old model for posing in bikinis on Instagram and sharing that she feels invisible (despite looking amazingly in shape and lively from my perspective). According to this commentator, it's because she's old. Guys want much younger women, and she should find something else to do because her time as a "head-turner" is over. He kept going, and I kept getting more upset.

Then I stepped back and checked myself. He was describing me to an extent. I am that independent, picky woman, invested in my work, health, and dog, in the best shape of my life, but aware that I can't compete with a 20-year-old regardless. I listen to my single girlfriends complain about the quality of the man in the dating pool and don't envy women in relationships who feel stuck, bored, neglected, and unappreciated. I watch women in relationships with much older men, eventually having to take care of them as they fall apart. It's no secret that women generally outlive their partners by a considerable number of years.

And thus, I went down the rabbit hole of what we want, why we want it, what we should want, and who decides, exploring nuances instead of reacting to blanket statements such as the ones made by that guy.

But just for the record, the whole thing about ambitious women displacing men in high places is true, but not exactly that way. First, this is not a zero-sum game. It's not like there are only so many high-paying and prestigious jobs, and once taken, none are available. New companies and new positions open every day. And, there are still a lot fewer women in high places than men, thanks to the "glass ceiling" and pay gap. Plus, not all women want to sacrifice their child-bearing years for a fancy job. So, there's that.

Onward…

What do we want?

We want what everyone else wants, as per Rene Girard, a modern-day French philosopher. We want what our "models" want. That's why "influencers" get us to buy stuff, tell us what to think, who to like, and give us models of reality we willingly adopt without much thought. Models (or role models), show us what our life should look like, who we should be, and what we should have.

They model what we should desire!

That's the easy part. It gets tricky when competing models are out there that we can choose from, especially in the realm of desire. There are too many things to be desired. Money, status, respect, stuff, and more stuff. At the same time, adventure, freedom, and experiences. If we focus on making money to pay the mortgage, what happens to the desire to live in a foreign country for a year? Boondocking or working your way up the corporate ladder? The security of a monogamous relationship in which you know your sex life will eventually take a dive, or try some cool alternative lifestyles offering variety and fresh buns daily? Work from home isolated in a small town in Idaho, or the fancy office, fun team, amazing restaurants, and the culture of the big city? Keep a low profile or popularity? Stay true to your religion or admit you have tons of questions and misgivings?

On and on we go.

If you live in San Diego, Orange County, or Palo Alto, you are most likely to drive a Tesla, according to the New York Times. Yes, these are affluent areas. But, there are other expensive cars to be had other than Teslas. OK, they are also very environmentally conscientious populations. But there are other electric cars and hybrids on the market. If you own a Tesla and you think about why you bought it and how you came to think of it, you can't deny that the more Teslas you sew, the more you wanted one. The more your friends talked about theirs, the more you wanted to experience the same thing.

Desire is a monkey see, monkey do business.

Our earliest models are our parents, people in school, the programs we watch, the neighborhood we live in, and the people in it.

Did you know that if a woman is educated, her children are almost certain to complete higher education, too? This has multigenerational economic effects on society. You can't say that's a bad thing, in general, as the poorest countries in the world are the ones liming education for women the most. However, if dad is the only educated one in the house, it does not translate to the same.

However, the pendulum can swing too far off the middle, according to Jordan Peterson (yes, I know he's got some issues lately, but he's still a great mind with lots to contribute.) He says society now is teaching young women (18 – 19 years of age) that only three things matter.

1)     There's nothing more important than their careers.

2)     There will be nothing more important than their career.

3)     There should be nothing more important than their careers.

That's great from a self-sufficiency standpoint, but it eliminates the possibility of developing a whole human being with a full spectrum of experiences. Human beings need each other. They need relationships, meaning, and continuity. Families and children are what usually grounds people and give them purpose. That's not to say it's the only way. But there needs to be a balance of some sort, not just career. Given that women have a ticking clock, there should be a careful consideration of what a woman really wants.

Meanwhile, as women focus on their careers, they rise in the competency hierarchy, which does indeed make it harder for them to find partners because women look straight across and up above themselves to find mates. That's not a calculation necessarily. It's evolutionary biology and psychology. Women want partners with whom they can allow themselves to be vulnerable. Being pregnant and raising a kid is about as vulnerable as a woman can get. She needs help, support, love, and resources!

Not that she can't do it alone. Many women do. But it is so much harder!

Perhaps, an outcome of this hyperfocus on work and career is the reason for what the ONS just reported (the British Office of National Statistics). For the first time in history, the cohort of women remaining childless by 30 has risen above 50%. At the same time, the number of children per couple has declined. That's just statistics. I am not making a value judgment.

I am just wondering what happens in 2 more generations. It could be a good thing as fewer people inhabit the Earth. But it could be bad as fewer younger people exist to support a much larger cohort of older people. Or perhaps, we'll find a technological solution to solve the economic problems that arise from a population imbalance.

The report also states that women have children much later in life. Does this mean that there will be more children born to educated women in better-off families with better economic prospects and fewer neglected children, those born to parents in poverty, marred by trauma and substance abuse?

We don't know yet. But many labeled "conservative" already sound the alarm. While speaking of such things is considered taboo on the left by people who don't want to hear it from the "patriarchy." These older mothers will model to their children the desirability of education, independence, career orientation, and competence, whether you consider it good or bad. And this will have an effect on society and the world as we know it. So, we better think and talk about these trends.

Children's immediate neighborhood significantly influences life outcomes, researchers say. So do the friends their parents associate with, as kids usually think their parents suck but the friends they have are so cool!

From my own life experience, I can testify to this. From around the ages of 7 to 10, I lived next door to a seamstress. While my parents went to work every day, I went to her place and helped out in whatever little ways I could, mainly keeping her company. So, was it a coincidence that, as a teenager, I picked sewing as my "shop" in high school? That I worked for a famous clothing designer in Bulgaria when I was 16. That my first business in this country was a clothing company?

My parents had jobs. They rushed to work every morning and came home tired and cranky. She was her own boss. She made her own schedule. I've been self-employed practically my whole working life. And I have been the only one in the family.

Everywhere I look into the crevasses of my life, I can trace my preferences, values, and even likes and dislikes to the "models" I've had. I naturally wonder what my life would have been like otherwise.

I feel lucky, but am I?

We desire what we value

But we don't have a value system to tell us what to value. We have a mishmash of ideas and wish lists, but we don't have a clearly defined and understood hierarchy of values to help us choose what to want. And there's the problem.

So, now we have women who say they value their education, career, and independence and value relationships, but not enough to be less picky. I can't blame them, personally. But it is a fact.

We also have guys who claim to be displaced by women in the competence hierarchy and can't get mates because of that but check out instead of buckling up to make themselves more desirable.

We've trained at least two generations (Y and Z) to feel entitled. Except, in the mating world, biology doesn't care about what your mom told you. You must get up the pecking order by acquiring attributes that will attract the attention of a potential mating partner.

Nature is cruel. Sorry.

But humans are clever. They find workarounds. Women know what guys want and have it for sale on OnlyFans.com. Guys want a girlfriend but don't want to do the work of getting one. So, naturally, they get a subscription to OnlyFans. They get "the girlfriend experience," which is essentially a stranger making them feel desired and special by texting pictures, messages, or videos, whatever the guy paid for… and to the rest of her 5000 fans. It's a job for her. It's an illusion of a relationship for him. No one gets closeness, intimacy, and the "growing together" part of a relationship which takes time, effort, sacrifice, patience, and commitment.

"The girlfriend experience" is also an example of how women are objectified and treated as a commodity, while guys complain that all women want is their money. Well, if that's all they have and want to give, someone will take it! At the same time, women making a living in such ways truly feel disinterested in men and think poorly of them.

If this was happening only to the women in the sex industry, many would shrug their shoulders and move on. But look around. Women who complain about being objectified go out of their way to make themselves the object of desire, the way they understand it, while guys swipe left on the "regular" looking ones. Women spend billions of dollars yearly on clothing, makeup, and body augmentation to make themselves look young and sexy. Many say they do it for themselves. Fair enough. But why do they think they want this particular image for themselves?

Women hold 2/3 of this country's $1.54 -trillion student debt, on average owing more than their male counterparts (see here). Women also spend over $225,000 over their lifetime on beauty care which is more than their college tuition. This price tag does not include plastic surgery, Botox, and fillers, etc., to the tune of $16 billion per year.

But why? Because that's what people want in a culture that values plump lips, puffy butts, and perky breasts. Women value youth more than anything and can't let themselves get old. They get punished for trying by becoming "invisible," and some YouTuber laughs at them when they proudly post their incredible abs on Instagram.

In other cultures that feel differently about aging, women find attention, respect, love, and meaning as elders, wise women, and matriarchs. Here, we all want to look 20 but be treated as if we are badasses. No one's really a badass at 20!

It's a very conflicted state of affairs, resulting in the consumption of massive amounts of antidepressants.

Men and women point fingers at each other with resentment and mistrust.

It's not cool to be a hopeless romantic anymore. And why would anyone bother when anyone can get steaming hot sexts on demand?

Chivalry is out as part of the "patriarchy," while women feel objectified and disrespected. There's just no winning if you are a nice guy. Even compliments meet hostility instead of getting a "thank you."

What to want

That's the million-dollar question. The only answer that comes to mind is "want differently." In other words, want authentically. Want what you actually want, not what you think you should want. But to do that, you must know yourself! Pay attention to what influences you. Pay attention to the conflicts within you.

• Want differently. I made a pancake for an afternoon snack. Yep. Just one. I'm afraid I also have to disagree with the Pope that people who choose to have pets instead of kids are selfish. Sorry, not sorry.

• Want wisely. Don't envy others. You have a very limited view. Want what's timeless, like character and a sense of humor, kindness, and compassion. Want preciousness in your life.

• Want conscientiously. Know your most important values and never compromise them.

It may be practically impossible to avoid the influence of others. So, carefully choose what and who you allow to influence you. The models in your life should be excellent and inspiring role models that shine the light on the road to your best self and best life. Not just showing you shiny trinkets and gimmicks.

Happy sorting yourself out. If you feel compelled to share your insights and personal journey, drop a comment :)

Thanks for reading.

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Or on Twitter @CoachValentina
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Yours truly,

V.