Apparently, this subject is turning into a series. There’s a lot to say, and even with what I’ve already said, I’ve barely scratched the surface. Next week, I’ll round it off with what to do if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist and you want out.
Here’s what I wrote so far:
Narcissistic Abuse Part 1: Adult relationships with narcissists.
Narcissistic Abuse Part 2: Growing up with narcissistic parents.
Not Advice. A Warning: The Vulnerable Narcissist.
Some people might recognize themselves in some of the narcissistic behaviors I’ve talked about. Others might recognize friends, family members, and co-workers. We all behave badly occasionally. We all have selfish moments and do inconsiderate things. But we are not all narcissists.
If a husband forgets about plans made with his wife and commits to something else, he’s likely to feel bad when she brings it up. He’ll apologize and try to fix the situation because he cares about his promises to her and how she feels. If a highly narcissistic person does it, he will get upset at her and likely try to rationalize and defend his actions. Even if he does eventually follow through with her, he’ll not be fun to be around.
Narcissists have a much higher self-concern than the garden-variety selfishness most of us experience. They hate feeling forced to comply with someone else’s needs, being called out on broken promises, and giving up what they want. It hits them in their low self-worth sore spot.
Some will hold a grudge, plot, and wait for as long as it takes, but they will get even somehow to re-establish their primacy. Others will whine and complain about it and use it against you in future negotiations.
The niceness of a narcissistic person can easily be misinterpreted as care. In reality, they want you to like and trust them. Sometimes, it’s literally neediness disguised as care, which can escalate to clinginess and even stalking. Other times, it’s a data-gathering phase where they learn as much about you as they can so they know how to maneuver and manipulate you later to get what they want. Some narcissistic people can become deliberately exploitative when their personalities also overlap with psychopathy and Machiavellianism.
Narcissists need other people because they see themselves through the eyes of others to affirm their made-up version of who they are. They project self-confidence and seek other people’s admiration and high regard to forget their low self-esteem. They control others to prove to themselves that they are powerful, influential, important, and consequential, and to silence self-criticism and self-doubt. They play the victim because they believe themselves entitled to sympathy and affection. They usually see themselves as special in some way and seek validation.
So, naturally, we all want to know how to avoid getting tricked and trapped by one. How successful we are depends on who we are and what we are willing to accept from others. As they say, we teach others how to treat us. So, we also need to accept responsibility for what we allow. We also need to ask the right questions.